


Don't get those colors, Jared. They're girl colors.

by Jay_Dayy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Canon? What's Canon, Child Abuse, Depression, Everyone is a bully, Everyone is squipped, F/F, F/M, FTM, Jared swears a lot, Look i'm just garbage, M/M, Michael and Jared are friends, Panic Attacks, Pure sadness, Self-Hatred, Squipped Evan, Trans Jared, Trans Michael, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, childhood crush, jared works at lush, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2018-11-16 20:06:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 30,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11260011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_Dayy/pseuds/Jay_Dayy
Summary: Jared started his first day of senior year happy that he was completely stealth and no one knew that Jared was once Jasmine, but after Connor's death Evan starts acting strangely and tells the entire school about Jared and how they were Jasmine. Jared goes from basically unknown to bully target in a couple of days.In his anger, he starts venting in his diary and tells the mismatched story of transphobia, abuse, and friendship with a very certain stoner.





	1. Page One

**Dearest Diary my mom forced me to buy and write in,**

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DID HE DO!? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO HIM TO DESERVE THIS SHIT!? GUESS WHAT COOLY MCCOOLPANTS DID, DUMBASS DIARY? HE TOLD THE ENTIRE FUCKING SCHOOL! THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD, EVEN!

EVAN THE ASSHOLE DECIDED IT WOULD BE A FUCKING BLAST TO TURN ME FROM A LONER TO BULLY TARGET. SOMEONE SPRAY PAINTED MY FUCKING LOCKER, SO THE DUMBASS SCHOOL DECIDED TO BILL MY PARENTS. THEY TOOK THE MONEY OUT OF MY COLLEGE FUND. NOW I'M ROYALLY FUCKED. MY PARENTS ARE MAD AT  _ME_ FOR SOMETHING ASSHOLE EVAN DID. "HE WOULDN'T DO THAT!" UH, MOM, HE DID AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE ME!

Honestly, I've built that kid up from the bottom. I was there through panic attacks, weird tree fetishes, I was there to make fun of the cast on his arm... But after Barcode fucking ended it, Evan changed from that  ~~cute~~ weird, shy kid into a major bully. People are  _scared_ of Evan Hansen. He needs to fucking remember who his friends are, and how many people he's hurting because he.... Because he's hurting the very people who stuck by him when he needed it. Like that stoner and his gay boyfriend in the Eminem teeshirt. But no, he's found new, better versions of us. 

Rich, Chloe, Brook, and Jake. Those are his new friends. All of them seem to be assholes. I suspect one of them was the vandal who spray-painted my locker, but sadly I have no proof. 

Well, farewell Diary. It was fun screaming in you. I guess I might do this daily since it seemed to help Hellish Hansen so much. ~~fucking asshole.~~

 

**Fuck Diaries,**

**JARED KLEINMAN**


	2. Rose-tinted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasmine's daily life!

Middle school blows. Jasmine trudged home after a long, grueling day of sixth grade with an imaginary storm cloud floating over her head. Another D- on yet another test the teachers claimed didn't matter. Of course it mattered to her mom, who would endlessly scold her and compare her to Evan, who somehow got A's in everything but participation.... Which is the only subject Jasmine got an A in. She's so good at it that Mrs. Whatever even added her opinion.

_"Intelligent, and outspoken with her_ views _, although she can be viewed as insensitive. She's a very sassy, witty, and a pleasure to debate with."_ And,  _"Have you considered talking to her about gender identity?"_

Jasmine clutched her report card to her chest and glared daggers at the bold lettering on the top. God, her parents were going to kill her for this. She'd have to mow the lawn for weeks to make up for her failure. It was simply a waste of summer, honestly. She could be spending her time with her friends or playing video games, or simply watching cat videos on youtube, but since her teachers were assholes and failed her, she has to pay in tedious, mindless chores.

Jasmine began to think about how much she wanted to die when she collided into a seemingly small target and crashed onto the pavement with a cry. She landed hard in her nose and sat up, feeling crimson blood begin to dribble from her nose. She whipped around angrily to look at the person she had crashed into. A small, scrawny boy with light brown hair blinked wildly and began to apologize profusely. At first, Jasmine was ready to sock him in the nuts, but how can you punch a kid with a lisp and glasses?

"I'm so sorry! You're bleeding! Gross! Uh, here. Take this." The kid handed her a few crumpled tissues from his backpack. 

"What the fuck?! I'm not putting possibly cum-stained tissues anywhere near my face, asshole." Jasmine snapped, trying to stop the bleeding with her sleeve. The kid hesitated, tears beginning to well in his eyes and Jasmine felt bad. "Look, I'm sorry. I've been having a shit day, kid. I'm gonna go home." She climbed to her feet and looked around, realizing at her glasses had flown off her face and lay in pieces on the sidewalk. For some reason, something in Jasmine snapped and tears began to well in her eyes.

"A-Are you okay?"

"No! I failed everything, I knocked into you, and now my FUCKING glasses are shattered!" Jasmine tried to get rid of her tears, but of course, her body betrayed her and the tears continued to pour. Jasmine shook her head and picked up the remaining pieces of her  ~~sanity~~ glasses with a sigh. "Thanks, kid. I'll be going. What's your name, anyway?"

"M-My name?" The kid stuttered, before a smile spread across his face, revealing rows of purple, blue, and pink braces. "My name's Rich! What's your name?" Jasmine hesitated, her lips parting to say her name, the name she hated so much. For a second, she was tempted to say any other name. Oskar, Theodore, even a stupid fucking name like Chip. Any other name. For a bit, she wanted to be someone else... But that's weird. No one thought like that, right? Jasmine shook the thoughts out, trying to ignore the nagging voice in the back of her head urging her to say "Tyler."

"My name's-" She inhaled, "Jasmine." Her voice sounded simply defeated and humiliated, but what's new? "I'll see you around, Rich. I have to get home before my parents bend me over the table and take turn buttfucking me." The kid looked extremely alarmed, "I'm joking, but seriously, I'm going to die tonight." That didn't help, the kid looked even more alarmed than before. She waved goodbye and watched as he turned and began to walk his own way home, looking over his shoulder to check on her.

Jasmine began to half-jog home, trying her hardest to hurry up. Her legs began to burn after running for a block and the voice came back, even louder than before.  _Your boobs are bouncing. It's disgusting. Maybe if you lost weight, you'd lose most of them and look good for once. You look so freaking girly. It's disgusting. Cut your hair._ The sickest part is that Jasmine agreed with the voice more and more. She never felt right in her own body, and it simply disgusted her to exist like this. Whenever she showered and looked at herself in the mirror, disgust twisted her features. The girl in the mirror was a stranger to Jasmine.

The run home became more and more difficult, as Jasmine detested any form of exercise other than DDR. She could play DDR for hours. It was an unhealthy obsession, and she's spent at least 200 dollars on tokens so she can break every single record on that weirdly sticky, beaten-up arcade machine. _Why didn't she take the bus home?_ A junior on the bus is killer weak, But if she walks she's going to show up and reek, and her shorts will be punchy and her pits will leak because she's a garbage human being.

"Why... Can't... I... Die?" She gasped with each step. Her house got closer and closer with each step, and eventually she got close enough that she could see nonother than Evan Hansen himself standing near his house clutching his report card. She groaned loudly and stopped beside him, trying to catch her breath and wipe the sweat coating her entire face. Evan began to speak, stumbling as he held out his report card. 

"H-hey, Jasmine! What homeroom teacher did you get? I mean, if you don't want to tell me that's alright, I can get why you wouldn't, I-I mean uh." Evan began to stammer, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry I'm being annoying I'll just leave-" Jasmine grabbed his arm, stopping him from walking away. She wiped her forehead, trying to pull back the hair that stuck to her sweat-covered face.

"Shut... Up, Evan." Jasmine huffed, "I'm dying, dude. Here, take my report card and burn it. My parents will hang me if they see it." Evan took it and read it, visibly looking more and more conflicted with each D- on the page. "I know, right?"

"It's-It's not that bad, really!" Evan lied, eyes darting from her to the page. "It-It's not an F, I mean, you could always do better but anyone could do better... That sounds stupid, God I'm an idiot. I'm sorry." Evan chuckled, "Your parents w-won't be too mad, right?" Jasmine laughed, shaking her head. "O-Oh god, they ARE going to kill you."

"Thanks for the support, bud. I'll see you around, alright? I'm just going to end it right now." She opened the fence gate and began to walk inside where doom in the form of two uptight parents awaited. Hell broke loose the moment they laid eyes on her. She looked disgusting, they cried. With dried blood under her nose, a horrible report card, and shattered glasses. They berated her, insulted her, and then lectured her on good choices. 

Fun night with the family. She was sent to her room, where she eavesdropped on them discuss the notes her teachers left behind.

"Is it possible our daughter is... You-know-what?" Her mom.

"No... No. It's just a phase, right? All kids have them!"

"I guess. Do you think we should talk to her about... Gender identity?"

"Nah, that's just a bunch of liberal bullshit."

 


	3. Page Two

**Dearest Darling Diary,**

Guess who might go from a responsible adult, to completely FUNemployed! Yip-fucking-ee! I  _love_ life! My best buds came into Lush just to hound me like the assholes they are and I "made a FUCKING scene." HAHAHAHAHHA. 

So, Diary, let me set the scene. You find me in my ugly uniform. A black polo shirt with the Lush logo on the back. I was sorting the bath bombs when a sickly sweet voice gave me diabetes. 

"Hey, Jasmine~!" Oh, how I wanted to punch Chloe in the face right there and then, but since I really needed money for college, I was forced to use my "stupid fucking customer voice" so I didn't strangle her and hide her body in the dumpster around back. "Excuse me, Ma'am?" I took a deep breath and turned around, forcing a fake-ass smile onto my lips and greeting Chloe.

"Good morning, ma'am! Are you looking for anything specific?" She looked at me with narrowed eyes and her hands on her hips. She didn't account for me to completely ignore her. My gaze went from her figure to the people standing behind her. Brook, who looked a bit reluctant to antagonize me in public. Jake, who looked amused at Chloe's words, and of course Rich. Fucking Rich with his cool streak in his hair, or the one who'll act normal, but then his expression would change, it grew rigid like he was two people. Oh god, I'm getting too fucking deep right now. 

Not only were the popular dorks after me, but now COOLY MCCOOL PANTS HIMSELF STOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR CIRCLE JERK AND JUST STARED AT ME. The kid looked so freaking... Weird. His normal blue polo was replaced by skinny jeans and a normal fucking tee shirt THAT FIT. That anxious fucking acorn looked like a stranger. I know I should be happy for him, happy that he's clearly doing better, clearly having the time of his life, but for some reason, I didn't.

Whatever, he's an asshole anyway, so I don't feel bad for me wanting him to fall out of another tree. So, of course, they sniggered at me like I was a circus clown juggling... Inflatable dicks or something (I'm really tired.) and I slowly grew to my breaking point.

"Do you have a vagina?" Jake asked, setting me up for a joke.

"I don't believe this is a good conversation, As-" I closed my lips before I could say the last word in that sentence. 

"If you have a vagina, you're a girl, Jasmine." God, I wanted to sock him in the nutsack, but I could see my manager coming around the bend, so I tossed my nametag at him and said I'm going on a "Smoke break." This was a lie. I don't smoke anything, and I don't think I ever will. But I was nearing my breaking point and I needed to escape before I snapped on them and shoved "Sexy Peel" (Our most popular soap right now) up their anuses. I ran off, totally not starting to cry and I ran smack-dab into a kid.

"Hey!" I yelped as we both fell to the ground. The kid's headphones clattered against the mall floor and everything in his hoodie pocket followed it's example. I looked around to go face-to-face with a tall guy with tousled black hair and thick-rimmed glasses. "Oh, fuck. I'm sorry." I began to help him pick up the stuff fallen from his pockets, a Gameboy, a wallet (with Pacman on it), and a small baggie of weed. I just kinda looked at it in shock, like, who the fuck is ballsy enough to bring pot into the public mall.

"Yo, thanks, man." He looked at me, seeing my reaction to the drugs. I didn't really care, and he clearly saw it on my face and he visibly relaxed. "Sorry, that was my fault, dude." I climbed to my feet and he followed, "I'm Michael."

I hesitated. I haven't felt this way in a long time, I felt my heart beat pick up. My name wasn't fucking Jared. It's Jasmine. My name is Jasmine, but I didn't want to say it. It was torture just to hear people address me with it. Of course, I stopped freaking out and managed to stutter out, "J-Jared. Yes, My name is Jared." I reminded myself, like a total fucking dumbass. Michael didn't really look all that phased by my nervousness and grinned at me kindly. I liked Michael. (God that sounded gay. No homo tho.)

"I'll see you around?"

"Sure." He walked away and I noticed a patch on his shoulder. A lot of flags for countries, I kinda just skimmed them but then two flags caught his eye. Pink, blue, white... And a gay pride flag. Now, I won't lie, Diary. But I gasped so loudly that he turned to look at me like I grew another head. I pointed at them, my hand quivering as happiness flooded my entire soul (how fucking emo of me.)

"Me too!" I stuttered out, my cheeks on fire.

And that, diary, is how my day went. I got dead named, I ran away from work, I met another trans/gay person who happens to be carrying around illegal drugs, and my manager practically bent me over a soap display and fucked me in the ass (not really, but I did get yelled at for running off.)

**Today wasn't so bad,**

**JARED FUCKING KLEINMAN.**


	4. Conformity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though the room was silent, they were both saying the same exact thing. You couldn't hear it, but you could see in their body language and face.
> 
> "Why am I so freaking awkward?"

Evan awkwardly stood in the middle of Jasmine's room, watching her stare at something he couldn't quite see on her laptop screen. Jasmine's eyes flicked up to the boy and noticed his awkwardness. Evan began to scratch at his wrist, wishing that he wasn't such a trainwreck with social interaction. Jasmine scooted over on her messy bed and patted the space next to her, inviting Evan to sit. He hesitated, not sure if Jasmine would be uncomfortable with him ruffling her bed.

"Are you gonna gawk, or are you gonna come up?"

"Uh, uh..." Evan inched forward, "okay, I-If you want me to, I mean, sorry if I mess up your blankets." Jasmine rolled her eyes at his comment, patting the yellow and pink quilt as if Evan was a pet dog.

"Psssh, I don't care. I'm pirating Star Wars." Evan gingerly sat next to her on the bed, watching as she scrolled through sketchy websites in search for a stolen video of Stars Wars, preferably not filmed by a five-year-old high on cocaine in the movie theater (Jasmine's words, not Evan's.) Evan sat stiffly on the bed, barely able to focus on the lightsabers flying around the screen. Evan kept looking at Jasmine, for some reason. Evan knew she didn't really like him, but honestly, who did? Even Evan didn't like Evan that much. But as Evan stared at Jasmine, he studied the detail of her face.

Although she donned normal teenage girl clothes, Evan could notice the way she acted contrasted against the stereotype of a normal female. She was brash, loud-mouthed, and it seemed like she always didn't give a fuck. Evan envied her attitude and he wished that he could be that outgoing. But even with her attitude, he could somehow sense that she wasn't completely comfortable with who she was. It was in the way she tried her hardest not to look at herself in the mirror, although when she did, disgust would lace her blue eyes at the way she looked. Evan didn't know if it was because of her weight, or if she thought she was ugly, or maybe it was something else Evan wasn't seeing. 

Or maybe Evan was being a weirdo and imagining things again. God, why did he do that? Why did he feel the need to overanalyze everything? To Evan's horror, his eyes began to fill with tears and his nose ran. Jasmine glanced over and sat up suddenly, noticing the tears beginning to make their descent down his cheeks.

"Dude, I mean Qui-Gon Jinn and Darth Maul's fight is intense, but not that intense-" Jasmine paused, "No, seriously. Are you alright? Do you want me to walk you home?"

"N-Nothing! I mean- I'm so sorry, I'm jus-just I'm..." Evan shook his head, fighting with his tongue to say the right words, but no matter how hard he tried, he just continued to spit out the wrong words as if they were poison in his mouth, "I don't-I don't even know why I'm crying. Oh God, I've ruined your night. I ruin everything I touch." Evan pulled his knees to his chest and tried to be as small as possible. His ribs fought against his knees as he tried to steady his rapid breathing. Jasmine didn't know what to do.

"Do you-Oh, man. I don't know what to do." Jasmine chuckled nervously, "do you need me to-uh. Here, take deep breaths." Jasmine reached out to grab him and Evan flinched, shaking his head hard enough to practically rip every muscle in his neck.

"No, no, no, no! Don-Don't touch me, not when-" Evan swallowed, "Not when I'm like this." His vision began to darken and it felt like he was far away in a deep, dark cave and the only sound he could hear was the own echoes of his insecurities that plagued him day and night. They droned out his thoughts and made it hard for him to function like a normal human being. His stomach twisted and he felt ill... Like he was going to vomit all over Jasmine's grossly pink bedroom. 

"Oh, shit fuck, I'm sorry." Jasmine scooted back to give him space, "Breathe, Evan. Take a deep breath, in and out." Jasmine began to spout the things portrayed in movies, and she prayed to whatever God that it worked and Evan didn't like, start going berserk all over her room and Hulk-smashing everything. (She knew that's not how it worked, but merely seeing him panic made her want to join him, so she used humor to deflect the emotion. A+ for healthy coping skills, huh?)

Evan's breathing grew less labored as he slowly came back to reality. Jasmine was patiently waiting for him to calm down. 

"Are you alright?" Jasmine repeated. 

"Yeah, yeah. I-I'm sorry for that, I've just had a ba-" Evan paused, "Shit day at school." Jasmine's eyebrows rose at the cuss word coming out of precious, little, innocent Hansen's mouth. Although she wanted to make a joke about it so badly (Evan could see it in her eyes.) she clearly realized it wasn't the time and place to do so.

"Do you want to talk about it, or do you want to watch the best movie in the entire planet..." Jasmine rolled off the bed with a thump and rooted around, before emerging with a very vivid yellow CD case. "The Bee Movie?"

"The Bee Movie!" Evan exclaimed, "...Please."

"Let's do this..." Jasmine began to set up the dvd player, she turned her head to stare at Evan and grinned evilly, " _Honey._ " 

Evan booed at her and she laughed. It wasn't a giggle, but a full-on laugh with her head thrown back in joy.

Evan wished to see that more often.


	5. Page Six (Found crumpled in Jared's trashcan.)

~~**hi diary,** ~~

~~so things may de looking a lot better honeslty. i mean like i found a new friend named Michael and hes prety great. gee fucking wee i cant even write anymore.~~

~~so diary, i'm in Michaels house right now and both of us are stoned. its kinda the best thing in the world. i mean like i used to judge people for doing it and stuff, but its really really really fucking fun. ~~i ~~was really scared at first and i didnt like the high, but now im just cool. this helped me Be More Chill.~~

~~Michael fell asleep so im gonna draw on his face with this pen. what should i draw, diary?~~

~~haha i sound lke dora right now imma write "jared was here" on his forehead~~

~~im rly tired diary~~

~~**Bye,** ~~

~~**jared klienman** ~~

~~~~~~~~Holy Jesus. This is future Jared writing this little note. I'm so sorry, Diary. I've violated you by writing in here high. I don't even remember most of it, but I guess I had fun with Michael. He's one of the coolest guys I've ever met _ever._ He likes video games (HE HAS A FUCKING PACMAN TATTOO. HOW METAL IS THAT?!), he taught me the wonders of marijuana, and now I feel better with who I am... As cheesy as it sounds, I felt so fucking god damn isolated at school, like no one else knew what I was going through... It feels fucking amazing to see someone else like me exists.

Wow, how mushy of me. I'm sorry again, Diary. I was high and I didn't know what I was writing.

_**Hi diary. Jared went to the bathroom, so I decided to highjack this page. (No I didn't read it! That's strictly against bro code and bro code is sacred.** _

_**I don't have anything else to write.** _

_**Bye, bye, bye.** _

_**Michael.** _

I was gone for ten fucking minutes, Michael. Don't write in my diary with sharpie, it'll bleed, asshole!

_**MAKE ME.** _

NO STOP WRITING ON ME WITH SHARPIE STOP.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the note is mostly scribbles and penis drawings.


	6. Embarrassment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't you hate it when people talk like you're not in the room?

"Jasmine, honey!" A knock on her door. Jasmine didn't look away from her computer as her mom peeked in and scoffed at the horrid condition of her room. "Jasmine Kleinman! I thought I told you to clean up this pig pen of a room! We're having company!" 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize we're entertaining company in my room." Jasmine snapped, rolling her eyes. Her mom sighed, leaning against the door frame of her room and began to scold her daughter.

"Don't backtalk me! Brush your hair, it's a birds nest for God's sake!" She closed her laptop and let out the loudest groan she could manage. Jasmine peeked at her mom to see her unamused reaction. "Go get a nice blouse on, Jazz. Oh, and wear that darling pleated skirt!" Jasmine grumbled every swear she's learned from Urban Dictionary under her breath as she brushed her waist-length hair straight and began to root around her admittedly messy room for the clothing she was told to wear.

She found it and looked at her mom expectantly.

"Mom, I'm gonna change. Why're you still here?" 

"I mean, we're both girls." Disgust bubbled in Jasmine's stomach at her words, "It's not sexual! I just wanted to show you some makeup tips for when you get into high school so you can get a boyfriend, huh? Doesn't that sound like fun?" Jasmine wasn't having this. She crossed her arms at her mom, waiting for her to leave. The mere thought of it made her want to cringe, even though her mom changed her diapers. She honestly didn't want her mom to  _watch her change._ On what planet is that okay?!

"No, mom. That sounds like torture. Get out of my room." Jasmine ordered, waiting for the doorway to be closed and locked before beginning to shed off the many layers of baggy clothes. She looked at herself in the mirror and felt nothing but revulsion and distaste at her body. She was too curvy, and she hated the two gross lumps of fat stuck to her chest. Jasmine shook her head and put on her clothes, grimacing at herself in the mirror. Her hair was way too long, and it made her look so... Feminine and soft. "Jesus Fucking Christ." She looked at herself and saw a stranger. A fat, repulsive, ugly stranger.

"Jasmine! Dinner is ready!" Her voice is too sweet. Mom was clearly tipsy off red wine and Jasmine wasn't looking forward to watching her ramble off about stupid shit that didn't even matter. Jasmine lumbered from her cave to the dining room to see the table filled with people she knew. Evan Hansen (alone because his mom couldn't get away from work) and a few other families merrily drinking wine. She took her seat next to Evan, who looked like he was a mere hair away from freaking out.

"Are you okay?" Jasmine whispered. Evan wiped his forehead with shaky hands and nodded. "Okay, good, please don't freak out in front of my mo-"

"OOOOOooooh!" Jasmine's mom cut in with a smile, revealing her teeth nearly completely coated in her maroon lipstick. "Is there something going on here?" She nearly shouted, managing to get everyone's attention onto two very uncomfortable teenagers who were now cherry red with shame and mortification. "Are you two dating? Oh, there's nothing like young sweethearts, let me tell you-" She then went on a drunken rant about all the past lovers she's had since her kindergarten boyfriend.

"She thinks we're-uh..." Evan whispered frantically, "Now everyone thinks we're-" Evan flushed red. Jasmine rolled her eyes.

"No, look. They're all fucking wasted. They won't remember anything about tonight, I swear." Jasmine assured him under her breath, "just keep your head down and wait for the pot roast to be done." Evan swallowed heavily and adjusted his tie. "I hate my fucking outfit so much. I want to rip my skin off." 

"Y-You look nice! I mean, nice as in 'you look nice-nice,' but not as in 'I want to date you nice' and I'm rambling again. I'm sorry, uh." Evan grabbed his water glass and began to drink awkwardly, but the glass clanged against his teeth and he dumped water down his shirt. Jasmine muffled her laughter with her hand as Evan began to stutter apologies and attempted to mop his shirt with flimsy paper towels. "I'm so sorry, um, I'll clean it up. Oh god."

"Dude, take a fucking deep breath. Follow me." Jasmine stood and lead him from the dining room to the bathroom, where she grabbed him a few towels to wipe himself off with. "Evan, calm the fuck down. It's alright. Yesterday I managed to spill peas all over myself. It's not a big deal." Evan chuckled at that and continued to wipe at his tee shirt with a towel. "Let's get downstairs, I bet dinner is ready. We'll eat, get made fun of, and then everyone will fucking leave so I can scroll reddit while stuffing my face with twizzlers."

"Okay-Okay," Evan inhaled, "I'm ready." 

They went back into the dining room to see everyone beginning to dig into their food. They sat down and began to eat.

"So, Jasmine, how's your school going?" Some random lady Jasmine assumed was her mother's wine-drunk tennis club friend asked her. 

"Good." Jasmine grunted through her mouthful of food. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her mom grow red at her poor manners. Jasmine swallowed her food and looked at her mom, "what?"

"Manners, young lady!" Her mother corrected her, then spoke to her friend. "Don't mind her. She's been going through this little tomboy phase for a while, and I'm just waiting for her to snap out of it." Jasmine's gaze hardened at her mother, but she didn't get the hint. "Her father and I are waiting for her to snap out of it so someday we can get some grandbabies." She giggled, a shrill sound that echoed around the dining room and shattered Jasmine's ear drums. 

"Mom!"

"I mean, the tomboy thing was cute at first. But now Jasmine talks and acts like a man. We've had the talk with her, but we're just praying that she doesn't turn out to be one of those... Dykes." The other moms nodded in agreement, staring at her, or mumbling things like 'amen' to her. Jasmine's hands quivered in anger as her face grew red. The words were slowly getting to her, and it filled her with this frustration. Like something was very, very wrong and she couldn't put her finger on what it was.

"I don't think that's how!" Evan blurted, slowly losing confidence, "H-How it... Works. I'm sorry." He went to shoveling his food into his mouth and avoiding eye contact. 

"I'm happy she's dating Evan, so we know that she's straight, and hopefully, we'll get grandchildren after marriage." She chortled, taking another sip of her wine. The other women laughed too, patting Evan and Jasmine on the back and praising them. Evan looked like he was going to cry, and Jasmine was infuriated by her bigoted, gross, and slightly perverted views. Jasmine began to stand, and Evan grabbed her hand, preventing her from making a scene.

"Mom," Rage and frustration made her throat close and her voice sound choked, but she inhaled and tried to speak. "I'm not a lesbian, I'm not dating Evan, I'm not a girl!"

Silence. She rushed away from the room and locked herself in her bedroom, tears beginning to stream down her face. The words had tumbled out so clumsily and fueled by anger, but they felt so right. Before it felt like something slowly tightening around her neck like a noose, tighter and tighter until it completely cut off her oxygen, but now it's cut and she can breathe for once. She was free!

"I'm a guy." He breathed, a smile gracing her face at the words. "I'm not a girl."


	7. Page Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared usually loves history class, but he's distracted.

**Dear Diary,**

I'm in class right now pretending to care so much about the revolutionary war. Yes, yes, I realize it created the United States blah blah and it's a huge deal, but I've gotten to a point where I give zero fucks about Alexander Hamilton and King George. 

Earlier today I was huddled near my locker trying to check my phone notifications without a teacher seeing when I realized I was surrounded by gaping assholes. I put my phone away and turned to be nearly nose to nose with Rich (although it was like my nose to his forehead. He's a shortie.) I closed my locker and tried to shoulder past them, but they somehow turned into a force field of dicks. I made eye contact with Evan, who surprisingly looked more confident and more like an asshole. I mean, come on, he was wearing a god damn letterman's jacket (a blue one too, I bet I'm the only one who knows that's his favorite color.)

Yeah, so I lost my patience. "Move," I growled. They all snickered and looked at one another, trying to see who would be the one to insult me. 

"That's not very ladylike." Jake chided like a mother to a mischevious child who stole from the freaking cookie jar.

I took the deepest fucking breaths in existence to resist the urge to wring Jake's neck. My face burned red with embarrassment and anger as they sniggered at me like I was a clown pulling balloon animals out of my ass or something.

"Well, good thing I'm not a lady then," I spat, "Get the hell out of my way!" My voice cracked like I was twelve again and I felt my ears burn with embarrassment and anger. Their laughter rang in my ears and my eyes watered. 

"Aw, is Jasmine gonna cry?" Chloe taunting, leaning in close enough for me to see the eight layers of cum coating her fucking lips. (Okay, okay, it was lip gloss. I'm just pissed.) I tried blinking back my tears, but my body betrayed me and they began to fall down my cheeks. I wiped them away and looked at Evan, who averted his gaze from my face. Coward. I have never felt such homicidal intent in my entire existence, but it was bubbling deep inside of me, and I felt like I was going to explode into a million little pieces.

"Students, move along to your class. You too, Miss Kleinman." A passing teacher said, walking away. The wrong pronouns made my chest burn, like someone was pressing a cigar to my heart and reducing the muscle into useless charred pieces.

I won't lie to you, Diary. But I  _might've_ snapped and shoved Evan out of the way and ran to class like a lunatic. For some reason, the hall monitors didn't even stop me. They just kinda let me go, as if they could sense the anger rising off me. Thank god they did, I'd probably slap the shit out of a hall monitor and get arrested or something.

Oh god. I realize now that they're gonna call me psycho. A psycho bitch or something since I freaking assaulted ~~my best friend~~ Evan. Will they tell the principal? I think I'd actually drink bleach if they did. My mom doesn't even know what's going on, and I don't want her to. She'll just make a big fuss about forgiveness and how Evan is "such a sweet boy" and make jokes about how cute it is when "couples have little spats" ALTHOUGH RIGHT NOW EVAN IS THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW.

I'm just like nail polish now. All I need to do now is grow out my hair and throw a printer at a teacher. I might as well kill myself now, so I can get a whole freaking blog about myself as well. (No, Diary, I'm not that crazy. I'm joking. I'm just so done with all these assholes here.)

Yep, definitely drinking tonight.

**Fuck this,**

**JARED KLEINMAN, THE MAN.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY. I GOT REALLY SICK AND SOME FAMILY STUFF HAPPENED.
> 
> GUESS WHAT I DID, READERS!?
> 
> I CAME OUT! I'M A WEE TRANS BOY AS WELL! A A AAAAA A A A A A


	8. I Hate The First Day Of School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasmine struggles with the most basic question on a worksheet on the first day of freshman year.

**Are you a boy or a girl?**

Jasmine bit his lip, glaring at the dumb question on the "getting to know you" worksheet. The stupid clipart boy (stereotypically holding a football) and girl (of course she's wearing a dress and a purse!) mocked him from the crisp, white, but somehow hellish piece of paper. They mocked him, repeating the same question over and over until it drowned out the rest of his thoughts. 

**Are you a boy or a girl?**

"Am I a boy, or a girl?" Jasmine murmured to himself. His mom denied that he was a boy and repeated over and over that her daughter is going through a phase. Jasmine rolled her eyes, remember the late nights of her mom getting drunk on wine and asking Jasmine "why she was ruining her marriage?" Jasmine chuckled at this idea that because he was a boy, her marriage was crumbling. It  _totally_ wasn't because Jasmine's dad slept with his secretary... And a few strippers.

**Are you a boy or a girl?**

Jasmine felt her cheeks burn crimson as she lost her temper and began to angrily scrawl in the tiny answer box.

_look man i don't even know anymore because i was born a female and i dont feel like one and i know thats not correct but its how i feel_

Was that an acceptable answer?

Yeah, probably not. Jasmine tried to erase it, but all he created were smudges and little holes in the paper. He groaned, attracting the attention of the health teacher, who shushed Jasmine with a glare. He went back to his paper and swallowed heavily, shaking his hair from his face and trying not to be that one kid that takes forever to finish a paper. It was ridiculous how nervous Jasmine was getting over a worksheet that wasn't even required.

Deep breath. Jasmine didn't know what to write, so he scribbled in a few question marks.

 

_??????_

Okay, that works. He began to answer the other questions. Silly things like;

**What did you do this summer?**

_mooched in my room pretty much all day._

**What do you love about your mom?**

_nothing much_

**What do you love about your dad?**

_nothing at all_

**Have you ever been in a relationship?**

_no_

**Have you ever been bullied for your race/religion/sex/gender identity?**

_yes_

**What are you looking forward to?**

_The Earth being engulfed in flames when the sun expands and finally dies like every star does._

Jasmine chuckled at her answer before hastily scrawling in a good ol' _I'm just kidding._ He looked at his answers and realized how stupid the paper was. Jasmine was about to erase the answers when the paper was swiped. He looked up to be face to face with the teacher, who put the paper into a giant pile of them and continued to collect the others. Jasmine didn't know what to say, and once he opened his mouth to ask for the paperback, he was interrupted by the bell and the chatter of students rushing out of the classroom.

Now, Jasmine didn't expect an A+ on the paper, but he didn't expect to be called down to the counselor's office in the middle of class. Jasmine sat in the bean bag chair, waiting for the counselor finish doing something on her computer. Her manicured nails tapping the keyboard at a snail's pace. Jasmine grit her teeth and tried not to fidget too much. The counselor's sunken in eyes, heavily lined in eyeliner darted from the screen to Jasmine rapidly, like he would attack at any moment.

"Okay, I'm done." Of course, she was a smoker. "Do you know why you're here, Miss Kleinman?" 

"I... Uh." Jasmine thought, trying to remember anything he's done that might've caused this. Jasmine remembered the worksheet and froze, chuckling. "Is it because of the worksheet?" He laughed even harder, imagining his elderly teacher reading his sarcastic answers. What did he get on the paper? Hopefully, it's a grade higher than C. Probably not, though. 

"You've written down some... Worrisome answers," The counselor reread the answers, "You shouldn't disrespect authority like that, Jasmine. You didn't even fill out the first question because you feel the need to make a joke for attention." Jasmine felt his face grow red from anger, "you will redo this paper with me assisting you." The patronizing tone made Jasmine's blood boil as she was forced to scribble out her answers and write new ones.

**Are you a boy or a girl?**

  _yes._

Jasmine's parents were called since he's "a disobedient, disrespectful girl who questions authority."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, I'm not uploading as often as I was! I'm trying, though!
> 
> oh, and since Jasmine "came out" I've been trying male pronouns. But the thing is, Jasmine doesn't know who he is. He just knows he's not a girl. He was never taught about transgender stuff. Sorry if I messed up and used she, using the name "Jasmine" confuses me.


	9. Page Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> am i struggling? yes
> 
> have i always been like this?
> 
>  
> 
> yes.

**Dear Diary,**

I may or not be a little tipsy right now, so please excuse any gramaar mistakes, Diary. How DARE I defile you, b ut I haven't written in a while and i think this might be the las t time so i guess this is a recap of how thinngs are going! haha

so i have friends now. Evan talks to me, but he's not evan, really. he's squipped, like Rich, so tha t explains why he's so cool now. i asked wh o his squi p was, and he said some shit like

"I don't thi nk I should tell you," so i was all like;

"don't be lik e that, Evan, i was you r friend."

"Family friend." i'd be lying if i said that did n't hit me right in the feelies. i deflected the pain with humor, like i always do. i don't even know why i do thatt like i could be dying inside and no one would know because i'm laughing and smiling but its fake and no one notices, no one ever will, i guess. whatever, i'm being the wuss now, i didn't come here to rant, this is just my good bye, diary.

So I asked again and he revealed that his fuckinng squip was the one, the only... (epic drumroll)

Connor Murphy! dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuuuuun

i kinda just laughed at him for a bit and just kinda watched his face contort into several different emotions. it was sooo freak ig freaky, though, like i sa w the normal Evan wi th his gentle eyes, and then hi s face went bla nk before twisting into the signature hot topic scowl. i mean, i've seen the same thing with richie bitchie, but i never expec ted to see Acorn loo k so different and popular and cool and mea n. 

hahahaha i'm so trashed tho. i wish michael was still my friend, but of course i fucked that up like i fuck everything up. i wish i wasn't so garbage and... Jared. i hate myself so much right now hahaha. when do i not thoug

oh god i just puked on my moms cashmere blanket i gotta clean this shit before she kills me

**i hate liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife,**

**JARED KLEINMAN**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I really like angsty drunk chapters.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I have no clue how to write drunk people because I don't know how drunk people work. I'm assuming that they're just rowdy little garbage bags of internal sadness.


	10. In a bit of a Bind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasmine in a Walmart by himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm back! 
> 
> I won't go into details, but I needed a mental health break. 
> 
> More notes at the end!

"Jasmine, honey," God, his mother stunk of cigarettes, Jasmine looked up from his laptop to see his mother shivering in the doorway. Now, Jasmine didn't have a good relationship with his mother, but she birthed him, so he owed her. She looked like shit, so he jumped up from his giant pile of blankets to see what she needed, "darling, I need you to pick up some groceries at-" She nearly fell over in a coughing fit, "at the Walmart. I called Beatrice to pick you up. Take my wallet, sweetheart." Jasmine's face scrunched up at the mention of Beatrice.

 "Mooom, I don't want to be in the car with a complete stranger!" Jasmine knew he was being whiny, but god damn, he hated Beatrice with her nosiness and covert racism and how she pried into his social life. It was pitiful, like she wanted to be "hip with the kids" but it disgusted him and made her look so old. She would wear neon colors and way too much makeup, god, thinking about it made Jasmine shiver in fear.

Despite looking pale and coated in sweat, Jasmine's mom managed to glare at Jasmine. "Fine, fine, whatever. Do you have a list?" He grouched, crossing his arms dismissively.

"It's on the-" She began coughing so hard Jasmine thought she was gonna hack up a lung, "Table. I'm gonna lay down now. Be quiet when you get back, please." She began to hobble back to her room, looking a lot older than Jasmine remembered. It saddened him slightly because it was always sad to watch someone sink deeper into this... Abyss.

She's gotten worse and worse after his dad got caught fucking another stripper (This one was named Amber Alert!)

Jasmine shuffled to the dining room to look at the note. He secretly envied his mother's handwriting, but it was different this time. It was shaky, rushed, sloppy... It seemed like not only has her personality changed, but even something as pointless as her chirography has as well.

This wasn't the mother who would read him bedtime stories, or tucked him in extra tight when he woke up from nightmares, or randomly picked him up from school for an extra treat like a day at the Zoo or at the history museum.

Jasmine was jolted from his memories by a car honking in the driveway.

Oh, boy. Jasmine loved awkward car rides. Especially if the person giving the ride is practically a stranger. Hopefully, Beatrice isn't a psycho murderer or anything. It would be just his luck if she was. 

He managed to pull his shoes on and run outside into the rain and into the minivan in the driveway. The moment he slid open the giant doors of the van, he was hit with the scent of perfume strong enough to make his eyes water. Yet, despite the obvious red flags that he should run (like the car seats and the toy cars littered around the floor of the vehicle) he still got into the car and squished between the child seats. The car turned onto the road, and it went from awkward to actual hell.

"So, dear," Beatrice's heavily mascaraed eyes darted from the road to the rearview mirror, "I also have some shopping to do. So we'll meet up at the car when we're done, alright hun?" Jasmine nodded in reply and tried to distract himself with glaring out the window at the trees outside the window.

Rain pattered against the roof of the car and streaked down the windows. Jasmine placed a fingertip on one of the drops and watched as the water left a trail down the window as it lazily rolled down the spotty, unwashed glass, covered in greasy fingerprints likely caused by kids following the faint trails of rain with their fingers. The thought made Jasmine smile to himself. 

"How're things with the Evan boy?" Her voice cut into Jasmine's daydreams- No. It didn't "cut" into them, it shattered Jasmine's trance into little pieces and ate the pieces. Jasmine's cheeks burned pink with embarrassment.

"You-" Jasmine cleared his throat, "you'd have to ask him. We're just family friends." Jasmine defended, looking down at his clenched hands. "We don't talk much."

"Oh, shame. I  _ship_ you two." Ugh, no. Please. The words belonged on a tumblr page, not coming out of this 70+ woman's mouth.

Jasmine shook his head and looked outside to see a large, navy-blue sign with bold, luminescent letters spelling out the shopping centers name.

God, Jasmine never knew he'd get to the point where he would get excited over pulling into Walmart.

Luckily the normally bustling parking lot of the store was a ghost town, allowing Beatrice to find a parking space relatively close to the store entrance. 

"Okay, hun. I have my own shopping to do. I trust that you'll be alright in the store by yourself?" Her forehead wrinkled in concern. "God bless you for doing such a kind thing for your ailing mother. I wish my daughter's kids would do the same, but they're too busy on their..." She paused, racking her brain for anything trendy, "their Fourchans."

Jasmine stopped himself from bursting into laughter. Poor woman didn't understand what she was talking about.

"I'll be fine, Miss Beatrice."

"Meet me at the car when you're done!" She chirped, climbing out of the van and walking inside, her pink ugg boots scuffling on the pavement. Jasmine got out after her and briskly jogged into the store, trying to get out of the rain that didn't show any signs of ceasing.

"Hello miss, how can I help you today?" The greeter forced a smile on her face as Jasmine walked in and ignored her.

"Miss... God damn, I'm not a miss." Jasmine complained to himself as he pulled his annoyingly long hair back into a pony tail. "Whatever."

He pulled out the list.

_\- Bread (white country)_

_\- Peanut butter_

_\- eggs_

_\- Hemorrhoid cream_

Jasmine burst into laughter, attracting the bewildered looks from Shoppers around him. He normally would be embarrassed, but he didn't give a fuck because this shit was hilarious.

_\- ice cream (vanilla bean)_

_\- toilconservative_ _orange juice (NO PULP)_

_\- Ginger ale fizzy drink_

_\- full grain flour_

_\- grits_

_\- soy milk_

_\- brown sugar_

Jasmine put the small bag of brown sugar in the cart along with the other groceries (+ hemorrhoid cream) and sighed, scanning the list one last time. The last thing on her list of horrors was...

_- something for yourself honey I love you <3 (WITHIN REASON, JASMINE KLEINMAN)_

Jasmine smiled, looking at the list. Her mother was an old fashioned woman with strong, conservative views that contradicted what her son believed in. But, she didn't do things to hurt Jasmine, which he respected (slightly. It'd be cool if she wasn't always wedged up his ass about white weddings and grandchildren with Evan's blue eyes and Jasmine's dark hair. Barf.) 

Now, what would he possibly want in this entire store. He browsed up and down the aisles and drifted towards clearance, where cheap "as seen on TV" products were stacked haphazardly, towering over the teenager and casting a menacing shadow. 

Jasmine thought back to the Greeter's words, his gut twisting slightly. His thoughts were interrupted by his phone buzzing. He whipped it out to see a text from his mom and Evan.

Fuck. A dilemma. He opened his mom's.

_Spawn point: get nasal spray im all plugged up :(_

_Jasman: Okay, thanks for the detail, mom. I really needed it._

_Spawn point: its like alien goo I think its glowing_

_Jasman: Jesus fucking Christ, mom. Are you five? Am I the parent now? You're grounded._

_Spawn point: lol watch ur language hurry up and bring chicken noodle & delicious nasal spray_

_Jasman: Okay, bye. I'm gonna text someone who actually has a good sense of humor._

_Spawn point: like evan? tell him he has my blessing_

_Jasman: Mom, can't you read? I said "someone with a good sense of humor"_

_Jasman: Also no mom. He's just a family friend._

_Spawn point: hurry up alien goo is everywhere_

Jasmine looked at Evan's text.

_Handyhansen: gggdtvsaddddee_

_Handyhansen: Sorry, I sat on my phone. Sorry for texting you. That must've looked weird. God, I bet that was annoying! I'm so sorry, Jasmine._

_Jasman: Jesus Christ calm doooooooooooooown! Deep breaths._

Jasmine watched him type and delete over and over, unsure what to say.

_HandyHansen: What are you doing?_

Jasmine snapped a picture of himself with his tongue out, tagging the picture "loitering in Walmart."

He received one back. A blurry picture of Evan sitting on his couch, taken with quivering hands. Poor kid. Jasmine got back to the task at hand, putting away his phone and preparing to enter the dreaded aisle of cheap toys and "miracle" projects.

Jasmine slowly rolled down the aisle, scanning the items in search for something that could be useful... 

He stopped, staring at a box with bold letters.

**CHEST BINDER TRANSITION AIDE FOR FTM**

Jasmine picked it up and put it in the cart. He didn't know why... It was just a feeling.

Time to get the mucus spray for mom's alien goo. 

~×~

Jasmine was being squeezed in a sausage casing. He looked at himself in the mirror, admiring how it hid his feminine curves and made it possible to wear tee shirts again.

"I look like a guy... Because I am a guy." A smile split across his face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii! I'm sorry for not posting. My production is going to slow due to mental health concerns.


	11. Page Five

**Dear Dumbass Diary,**

I think things are looking up. I mean, my friends still roll their eyes when I walk in, or they give one worded answers on Skype, and I'm being bullied by the cool kids for being trans, but things are better I think.

I met Michael, and now we're kinda friends on social media. We talk mostly about trans things and video games, but with him I feel like he tolerates me.

It's nice.

Although things are nice, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's terrifying, but I want to hold onto this feeling.

I need to go get dinner.

**Fuck you,**

**JARED MOTHERFUCKING KLEINMAN**


	12. Why the hell did she tape it to the fridge?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't you hate it when your parents are practically fist fighting in front of a friend?

Jasmine laid in bed, eyes shut tight as he tried to block out the sun streaming in through the blankets hanging over the windows to darken the room. His restless, feverish slumber was interrupted by a soft rapping at the door. He dreaded what the day would be like, because his head pounded like someone had attacked him with a hammer the night before. The knocking happened again, once again rousing him even more.

 _Please don't make me get up._ He silently begged the weekend gods.  _Please make her forget I exist so I can go back to sleep._ But the weekend gods weren't merciful to him on this blessed day and his door slowly creaked open to reveal his mother peering in worriedly, nibbling her wine-red stained lips as she looked around his cluttered room.

 

"Jasmine honey, I invited Evan over for a sleepover... Are you alright, baby?" She made her way through the giant piles of dirty clothes to run her amazingly warm hands on his cold, clammy face. "You don't have a fever... Do you feel like you're gonna puke?" Jasmine sighed happily as she helped him sit up and straightened his bed for him. Sometimes she can be such a nag, but when she was nice, she was really nice.

"'m fine, it's just-" He looked down at his hands, his cheeks red. "I'm on my period and I feel-"  _disgusting, like I want to rip out my uterus_ "kinda bad."

"Oooohhh." His mom bit her lip to conceal an amused smile, "do you need any supplies?"

"Rope and a ceiling fan." Jasmine grumbled, "I feel like-" he groaned as his whole abdomen clenched, "dick."

"Tsk, tsk." His mom shook her head and hid her smile, "get up, take a shower, I'll wash your sheets, Evan's mom will drop him off in an hour." Jasmine slowly stood up as his mom left him alone to peel off his clothes and change into his signature day-to-day look because he knew his mom would butt fuck him if he dared to wear sweat pants in front of a guest. Even if he was in pain, the Kleinmans always vowed to look like a model family.

He pulled on the khaki shorts with a groan. _Why the fuck does my body want to kill me?_ Jasmine questioned, managing to stand and hobbling around, picking up his room and rolling out the guest bed for Evan to sleep on. The guest bed was pretty much Evan's bed, since Jasmine didn't have too many other people staying over. 

"Jasmine!" His mother called from the walkway, her voice sing-songy to show off how sweet she was to the guests, "they're here! Come on out!" Jasmine opened his bedroom door and shuffled to the doorway where Heidi stood in her pink scrubs, and Evan was staring down at his scuffed sneakers and pretending he didn't exist.

"Hi Jasmine!" Heidi smiled, her eyes twitching down at her watch on her wrist, her grin twisting with impatience, "I'm so sorry, I got roped into overtime-" she explained to Jasmine's mom, who nodded and reassured her that she gets it and it's okay. "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow to pick up Evan, are you gonna be okay, honey?" She murmured to Evan, who nodded shyly. Heidi kissed him on the cheek and left.

"I'll be in the kitchen making dinner, kids, don't get into too much trouble!" Jasmine's mom chirped, leaving Jasmine and Evan alone in the living room to awkwardly avoid eye contact (something Evan was extremely practiced in.) with one another. Jasmine looked around in an attempt to figure out what to do. He was bored, Evan was likely too nervous to realize he's bored. 

"Want to go for a walk?" Jasmine motioned at the window at the stretch of trees past the yard, "I mean, the trail we made should be there, so why the hell not?"

Jasmine watched at Evan's face lit up, his blue eyes glimmering with happiness as he nodded eagerly. They both stood and walked (or painfully hobbled in Jasmine's case) outside and across the large yard to the parting in the treeline. It was strange to be outside, but it wasn't that he hated the outdoors, he just had no reason to go outside. He didn't have any siblings to hang out with and his yard was barren of any activities other than pick through the lush grass for dandelions.

"I'm already winded." Jasmine huffed, It wasn't a lie. Heat begun to rise to his face as he tried to breathe deeply despite the binder squishing his organs flat.

"I-I'm fine, I still walk the trail so-sometimes," Jasmine looked at Evan silently, "Wait, that's w-weird right? I'm sorr-"

"Shit. No, I mean, I'm just surprised. I thought you would've forgotten about this by now." They stepped into the woods and the thick scent of damp leaves and pine trees overwhelmed Jasmine, bringing back dear memories.

* * *

"Honey, you can't just sit by yourself with the grownups. Why not go play with Evan over there?" His mom pointed towards a kid sitting away from the others reading a book. Jasmine looked around at the other neighborhood parents, scowling. Picnics suck. Why did she have to play with Evan? He didn't even talk. All he did was sit there and read. Reading was for nerds. 

Jasmine looked up at her mom, who gave him a stern look. 

"Fine!" She groaned, getting to her feet and beginning to slowly drag her feet through the grass towards the loner boy. She dragged her feet in an attempt to get back at her mom, because her shoes were white and the grass would stain them muddy green. This usually earned her a scolding, but Jasmine was reckless and angry. 

That'll teach her to force her poor daughter to play with nerds. Boring, boring nerds who just read. 

"My mom is making me play with you." Jasmine said once she reached him. Evan jumped nearly a foot, his scared eyes nearly as wide as saucers, "so here I am. What are you reading?" Evan's lips trembled like he was about to burst into tears. He hesitantly raised the book so she can see the cover and Jasmine sat next to him, looking over his shoulder at the book. 

"Book of trees, an introduction to botany. Huh. Sounds pretty-"  _lame,_ "cool." Jasmine had no clue what botany was, so it made her mad. It must be boring smarty-pants stuff for big kids and eggheads. She scowled, instantly jealous that Evan was able to read that stuff. He must be smart.

Evan smiled, "I-I like reading about trees, they're," Evan was talking? Woah. "Nice. W-when I grow up I want t-to uh, be a ranger."

"What about bears?"

"W-what?"

"I heard bears live in the woods. I think they're freaking awesome."

"D-do you think they're in these woods?" Evan turned slightly to peer in the trees, keeping an eye out for any mischevious bears waiting to strike and gobble up the two small children. "We should look!" They both ran into the woods and spent hours clearing a trail and running around with long sticks, searching for any bears. They finally came to the conclusion that there might not be any bears, so they pretended there was so they can fight them off.

"Jasssmine!! Evan!" They slumped against a tree stump, both equally winded and slightly sore from thorns and branches scratching their fourth grader bodies. They paid no mind to these injuries, since they were big, strong rangers protecting their parents from bears. They looked at another rotted treestump, now battered and the moss torn off of it and scattered.

The bear was dead and they had to depart and go home to get ready for bed. They waved good bye and Evan flashed Jasmine a wide smile, revealing missing front teeth. Jasmine couldn't help but smile back, her eyes crinkling up behind her glasses playfully.

Later she was teased.

"You liiikkkeeee himmmm~!" Her mom crooned, twirling her around playfully. This embarrassed her and she realized if she openly liked Evan in front of her mom, she'd be teased, so she must hide the fact that she thinks he's kinda smart and funny.

"N-no! I don't! He's weird!" Jasmine twisted her face in disgust, "he's just a family friend." And from now on, she would only refer to him as a family friend and that's final.

* * *

 They walked wordlessly, wondering what the other was thinking. Finally Jasmine broke the silence and kicked a familiar tree stump.

"I wonder if there's any bears in these woods." Jasmine remarked. They both laughed, remembering that day fondly. Their laughter had a bitter edge to it, remorse dripping from their chuckles. They both mourned the innocence in those days, and how all they worried about was coloring between the lines and what 4 + 4 equaled. They looked at each other, searching and scanning for any hint that they still had that childlike innocence. 

"Hey, do you still wanna be a ranger?" 

"Ye-yeah! I read that there wa-was an opening for a summer job at a park and I-I thought I might as well see if I can-" Evan flushed, realizing he was rambling, "uh, are you gonna t-take a summer job?"

"Uhhhh... I don't think so. I was thinking about being a camp counselor at this summer camp I went to when I was a tot." Jasmine shrugged, "I like working with kids, you know? They're needy, loud, little shit holes, but it's cool to think that I could influence their life. Whatever. It's stupid." Jasmine's ears burned slightly.

"No, tha-that's pretty cool." Why did Evan look at him like that? Why did it fluster Jasmine - the king of wit - to the point of no return? 

"We should go in soon. Dinner'll be done soon." Jasmine looked down at his converse, the white bottoms now stained green by the grass and smiled. He would get a scolding for this, but it was worth it. He might not be angry, or rebellious, but he didn't regret messing up his shoes for a nice trip down memory lane with the nerdy kid who read about botany.

"..Okay." Evan sounded hesitant, disappointed even. "Hopefully it isn't like last time, that was a disaster."

"Hopefully." Jasmine agreed sadly, remembering his outburst from last time. He figured he'd ought to bring it up again and explain what we meant, because it was the elephant in the room right now. "Hey, Evan? I have something weird to explain."

"Yes?"

"Uh, I don't know how to explain this, but I'm- uh-" Jasmine scratched the back of his neck, "I'm a guy. I'm not sure what it's called, but something fucked up and now I have a vagina-"

"I-I have a question!" Evan cut him off before he embarrassed himself. Jasmine was thankful for that.

"I swear to fuck if you ask me if I want to get 'the surgery.' I have no fucking clue what 'the surgery' is and-"

"Why d-do you go by Jasmine? I mean, there's no-nothing wrong with that name, but wouldn't you want a more... Manly... I'm sorry, I'm b-being rude." Evan began to stammer, but Jasmine froze in place, eyes wide. He  _could_ change his name, couldn't he? What would he choose?

"Fuck. You're a genius, Hansen." Evan blushed at his compliment, modestly denying it, Jasmine could get into a fight with him over that statement, but he chose to ignore it for now, "I like my name, but not on me. I'd totally name a kid Jasmine, but that'd be egotistical."

"Wh-why not pick a name similar to it?"

* * *

They sat down at the table and Jasmine's mom beamed at them as they dug into the meat loaf. There was silence, except for the scrape of forks on plates and glasses being placed down after taking a sip of water. Jasmine's mom dabbed at her face with her napkin before looking at Evan, who was completely zeroed in on her famous meatloaf. Jasmine saw her smile, clearly happy that the teenager liked it.

"So, Evan, what classes are you in this year?" Ah, the standard adult question. Jasmine jumped in immediately, sparing his mother a few minutes of Evan trying to over explain why putting him in gifted reading was a mistake because clearly he wasn't smart enough for that.

"He's in most of my classes except gifted math and gym." He said through a mouthful of meat loaf, earning a stern glare from his mother. He stuck out his tongue at her and she did it back. Evan looked at the two, seeing how the relationship has somehow shifted since that one night Jasmine came out and it was seemingly forgotten by everyone. 

They went back to eating peacefully when the front door opened. Jasmine and his mother looked at each other with wide eyes. They silently spoke in gestures, deciding who would be the one to call out to see who it was. After two rounds of rock-paper-scissors, mom lost and called out hesitantly.

"Steven?" 

Jasmine's heartbeat picked up by the drunken grunt from outside the dining room. It was dad and he was drunk, clearly back from his week of strippers, hookers in hotel rooms, and draining his mom's hard-earned money on watered down beer. The house creaked as Steven neared the dining room, peeking in to see the family (+ Evan) trying to enjoy their beloved meatloaf.

"What... What's goin' on here?" He slurred, scratching his crotch gracefully. Evan grimaced and looked at Jasmine to gauge his reaction. Evan began to shake at the fear in Jasmine's eyes. Jasmine patted his hand in an attempt to calm the boy. It was successful. After 30 seconds of silence, Mom answered with an icy retort.

"Dinner." Ouch. Mom's voice gave everyone in the room frost bite. "Would you like to join us after you wash off the stripper's perfume off?" 

_Holy shit._

His dad would normally start screaming at this point, but Mom's lack of submissiveness struck him dumb. He blinked for a few minutes before saying in a low, yet dangerous tone. "Are you testing me, bitch?" Jasmine's blood froze, then slowly burned into a boil. How  _dare_ he interuppt their meatloaf eating?? Now it's cold and the fun day was ruined!

 

"Dad, stop." Jasmine's voice trembled, but he pushed on, "Evan, come on, let's get the fuck out of here." But they were both frozen in their seats with fear. They had no intention of getting up in fear of his drunken wrath. 

"What did she just say? Could you fucking be a mother for once and smack her?!" He boomed, arms flailing like he was trying to fly away.

"J-Jasmine, no swearing." 

"Sorry, mom." Jasmine went back to eating the meat loaf, squeezing Evan's hand under the table. Steven sneered, high and completely drunk to the point of no return. 

"Lookit you stuffing your face like a pig. I expected more from you. Why're you so impolite?" He said to Jasmine, "you need to watch your weight, pig, or you'll never get a husband. Why do you think I dated your mom when she was young and beautiful. She knows to watch her figure now or I'll leave her for another young thing." 

"Leave her alone!" Jasmine's mom snapped, tears welling in her eyes, "ge-get out, Steven! Get out!" Silence. He turned around and left, mumbling something about disobedient women. 

"W-why don't you two go upstairs? I'll clean up down here." She was shaking and tears formed in her eyes. 

"Don't need to ask me twice. C'mon Evan." Jasmine practically dragged Evan upstairs to his room, where they played video games in attempt to wash that memory from their brains. It didn't fade quick, because Evan still seemed stressed, even while he slept. His face was tightened and his posture guarded, like Jasmine was going to insult him, or snap from the treatment he had just gotten.

Jasmine didn't sleep a wink. He stayed up on 50+ different tabs in search for a new name. He's tried many different names, yet nothing has clicked quite yet. Hunter, James, Spencer, Jones, Washington, Alexander, Quincy... But just as he clicked on the last name sadly, preparing to go to sleep defeated... He found his name. 

Jared is a Hebrew name meaning Rose, the website said in pink and blue font. Jasmine felt a smile stretch across his face he as repeated it under his breath, his voice got loud enough to stir Evan awake slightly. He murmured an apology and left the room for water, and to practice his new name in peace. As he hobbled to the fridge, a unfamilar article was taped to the fridge. 

Jared read it, narrowing his eyes since he forgot his glasses.

**How to accept your child is transgender.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know most trans people don't pick a name similar to their birth name, but Jared isn't an average trans person, is he?
> 
> Ialsoreallylikedthenamejasminedonthurtme
> 
> (PS. During the flashback I referred to Jared as she. I know, I know. I personally don't consider it an oops because Jared didn't really questions his gender because he was too busy being a kid.)


	13. Page eight

**Hi Diary,**

I'm sitting in planned parent hood right now avoiding eye contact with the other people here.

Why?

Well, of course! I'm having an abortion!

No. Not really. For a while my mom dragged me to therapy and stuff, where they brought me to different doctors to do weird medical stuff.

Now, diary, can you guess why all that happened? 

I'M GETTING MOTHERFUCKING TESTOSTERONE. AAAAA

My mom joined this talk group that's a lot better than her tennis club about parenting trans youth and one of them suggested it!! I'm!!! Getting!!! T!!!

I'M GROWING A BEARD 

**AAAAAAAAAAA,**

**JARED KLEINMANLY MAN**


	14. Gee whiz Jared hates the mall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and his mom have bonding time.

Jared hated the mall. It was packed full of people from school he didn't know well enough to talk to, so they just kinda looked at each other awkwardly. Of course, the moment mom picked up on the staring she would urge him to go talk to them. She would sometimes drag him over and make conversation with some poor freshman who came to get a new band tee from Hot Topic. Jared shivered at the memory and how everyone called him "mama's girl" for months after.

"Jasmi-Jared, hey, honey. Let's get your hair cut!" Mom tugged Jared's arm excitedly, pointing at the hair salon. Jared looked up from his phone to stare at the weirdly empty salon and then turned to his mom to decline.

"I just got my hair trimmed a month ago, though." Jared really wanted to get his long hair cut, but he felt bad for getting it cut when he didn't need to. Her fingers laced through his and she smiled, brushing a lock of hair from his eyes.

"You're my daugh- Uh, son and I love you and I want you to be happy. I know you'd be happier with a shorter hair cut, so I guess this is the next step... Cutting off the hair we worked on together." She sounded wistful, but Jared was too excited to notice the twist in her lipsticked smile. "Let's go, sweet." They walked into the salon and sat down in the sticky chairs, Jared pretending to be reading something on his phone and his mom pretending to be interested in a torn magazine about gardening. 

"Jared Kleinman?" A lady looked over, looking at Jared confused. "You're Jared?" She pointed at Jared.

"Yep. That's me, let's go, mom." He stood, quickly replying to a text sent from Evan before following the woman to the barber seats, where she prepared to chop this hair by running her hands through it, humming happily at how straight and silky it was. "So, uh, I just kinda want it gone." The woman gasped, her painted lips wide, they truly conveyed her pure horror.

"Whyyyyy?! It's so pretty and long!" She pouted, "Well, if you want! Do you want it buzzed, styled, longer on the sides?" 

"Can we actually part it here..." Mom and the woman went on to chat on and on as the woman washed and began to cut his hair. He tried to listen and add on to the conversation, but all he could focus on was the pieces of hair falling from his head to the floor, his (empty) head losing weight with each long lock being trimmed, tears glistening behind his glasses at how his reflection began to look less and less like a stranger by the second.

Jasmine Kleinman is disappearing right before his eyes. Now, that sounds bad, but it isn't. Now Jared was free! Although he will always feel misplaced, or stuck in a stranger's body, he's slowly making progress towards reinventing himself. Jared Kleinman is here, and he's here to stay.

"Alllll done~!" The lady sung, brushing off the pieces of hair clinging to the fabric slung over his shoulders. "You look so different, Jared. So handsome... You wouldn't even know you're a girl!" Ouch. 

Jared pretended not to hear and thanked her, rustling through his pockets in search for some money. His mom stopped him and paid. They walked away and began to silently look into the store windows and Jared began to obsessively run his fingers through his hair.

Suddenly he began to chuckle under his breath, a giddy smile spreading across his face. His hair was short! He could feel his scalp! He could shake his head without getting hair in his face! He looks manly! He passes! 

His mom laughed, running her own fingers through it and giggling at his reaction.

"Bet your head feels a bit lighter, although it's empty!" She joked, earning a soft shove from Jared. They walked towards the food court and Jared repaid his mom in watery smoothies and gummy fries...

And all was good.

* * *

 

They hobbled back home smiling and joking to one another, but the car ride soon turned awkward as they ran out of things to say.

"So, if you don't mind me asking..." Oh god, no, no, no, usually these are horrible questions! "Do you like... Men or women?" Jared's face burned red at the question.

"Well, I like... guys." Jared started, "so I'm gay." His mom nodded thoughtfully in the front seat, her eyes never leaving the stretch of road in front of her.

"Well, I'm... Getting used to it. But I believe you were born this way, sweetie. I one hundred percent do. Plus, It's cool I now have a son instead of a daughter." She winked in the rearview mirror at a very flustered Jared who smiled and went back to snapchatting Evan. "Honey? So, summer's coming up... And since things are rough at home with your father... We're sending you to summer camp." She said breezily.

Jared's head darted up so quickly that he swore he heard a snap.

"WHAT!?" He exclaimed.


	15. Page Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Jared have another sleepover.

**Dear Diary,**

I'm going to a party. I was actually invited by Jeremy, for some reason. He's kinda weird, but he seems to be less... Rude to me? It's hard to explain. It seems like he's constantly trying to get me alone, like he has something to tell me? I don't fucking know, actually. I'm just going to ignore it and pretend I'm okay. I mean, I'm okay, but not really? I'm being constantly deadnamed but whatever. 

I'm pretty freaking hyped about this party. I've never been to a real Halloween party before, so I'm going to figure out what to wear for a costume. Do people still wear costumes? Probably. I'm so excited, yet nervous. My gut is telling me not to go, and to stay home and browse reddit while eating icecream, but another part of me is telling me to go and get them to stop making fun of me. And who knows? Maybe I'll actually have fun. I've heard popular kid parties are pretty fire. 

I'm going. It's settled. 

I told Michael about this, and he looked pretty hurt and pissed off. 

"Jeremy invited you!?" He exclaimed, pushing his headphones off his ears.

"Yeah, I don't really know why-"

"We've been friends for twelve years, and he doesn't even know you!" His eyes glimmered behind his glasses and he ran his fingers through his ebony hair. I didn't know what the fuck to do, so I awkwardly patted him on the back. "Ever since he got one of those Squips he's been acting weird! It's like I don't even exist anymore!" 

"Wait, wait. What's a squick?" Evan has been acting the same way! It's fucking insane!

"No, not squick, squip." What the hell was a squip? How was I supposed to know??

"I've... Never heard of it."

Michael began to quote Jeremy, mocking his tone of voice. "It's from Japan. It's like a grey, oblong pill, it's quantum nanotechnology cpu. The quantum computer in the pill will pretty much go into your brain." I began to laugh at this point, because this makes no freaking sense at all. If this existed, I would've seen SOMETHING on the internet, right?

"I'm being serious, Jared! Jeremy said it was some top-secret shit! You can't even look it up! He got to so he could get Christine to fall in love with him." Michael rolled his eyes, red dusting his cheeks. Wait, Evan was doing the same thing. If he got a squip, he must've gotten it to get that Zoe chick! Honestly, I don't know how I feel about this. I shouldn't care, but it's like ughhhhhh. Whatever. Back to the story.

"Are you jealous?" I teased him. He groaned and hid his face. 

"No! It's just!!"

"YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM!" I shook him.

"No! No! I don't! I can't! He's my..." He stopped, eyes actually filling with more tears (at this point I felt bad for teasing him) "I don't know! He's really cool, and fun, and cute, and he's always supported me, and I shouldn't feel this way!"

"It's okay, it's okay."

"I-I need to get high. Do you mind?"

"No, can I join?" He nodded and rolled a joint with quivering hands. I don't remember the rest of the night, but I remember trying to get Michael to take off his binder before he slept and him crying a lot.

**I'm home now, and I have to shower before my mom wakes up and realizes I smell like weed,**

**JARED KLEINMAN**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I won't get too much into it, but I've been very sick for a while and I'm currently going through treatment so I had no motivation to write! But I'm here, I'm queer, and I'll try to write. 
> 
> Love you kids.


	16. Blurred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared had a love-hate relationship with summertime.

Jared hated himself ten times more than he normally does. 

He looked down at his stomach, a groan escaping from his parted lips. He glared at the stomach container that once held Double Fudge ice cream with way too much chocolate sauce pooled on it. Somehow he managed to eat the whole thing in ten minutes, and now he felt a strong mixture of nausea and self-loathing... And a small dash of pride at how he wasn't puking his guts out all over the couch. 

He gently placed the container on the coffee table and turned his attention to the television quietly blaring in the background. He had been watching Star Wars when Jared had gotten distracted by the chocolatey goodness of fattening ice cream. Jared licked his lips and wiped his face with his sleeve. Thank god mom was napping outside on the porch, because if she saw this behavior she would faint. 

The front door swung open and he called out, not taking his eyes off the television. 

"Hey, mom! Sorry I ate all your ice cream! I'll repay you later, alright?" Silence. He crinkled his brow, "Mom?" He turned to see his father standing there, slack-jawed as his eyes were locked on the couch. They made eye contact. This was probably the most they've interacted since the incident when Evan was over.

"You look like a fat lesbian." His father grunted, grinning at him with hate in his eyes. Jared recoiled, blinking back tears. He would normally retort, as he carries the reputation of having a sharp tongue and having a talent for hiding how badly insults hurt his fragile self-esteem. "Why would you get your fucking hair cut like that? You look like a boy, you ain't a boy, Jasmine." 

Ow, ow, ow.

"Oh, well-" Jared inhaled sharply, "I'm trying to- uh." Is he turning into Hansen? "watch The Phantom Menace, so, can you just... Let me?"

"You watch enough tv! All you do is sit on your fat ass, eat shit, and watch shit. Get up. Go take a walk. Exercise, because you need it, sweetheart." He stormed over and pushed Jared off the couch before sitting down in his spot. Jared slowly stood and picked up the container, walking to the kitchen to throw it away. As he trudged, tears blurred his vision as he looked out the window, wondering if it was a good idea to wake up his mom and tell her what his father had said to him.

No... He didn't want to bother her because he was such a baby. A fat, little baby who cries at everything. A fat, little baby who looked like a lesbian who needed to escape from this house before he collapses and proves his father right. His vision darkened, and it was like he was looking through a pinhole as he stumbled out of the room and out the front door, blinking in the harsh sunlight. He needed to get away before he breaks into little pieces right here in the view of all the neighbors. 

He looked around, spotting the small break in the trees. Escape. No one would see him there. He ran like a madman towards it, his heartbeat only calming a bit once the shadows of the woods washed over his overheated skin. He stumbled over a thick root and landed hard on his elbows and managed to bite his tongue, filling his mouth with blood. The tears began to pour and he just laid there on the ground spitting out a mix of saliva and blood while trying to cry quietly.

Life is fun. 

He sniffled, grossly trying to compose himself. He opened his eyes and hoped someone would be there for him, ready to comfort him and wipe away his tears, to assure him he isn't fat and his father is wrong, to somehow wipe away all the pain and insecurity. To make him laugh and to talk to him like he was a normal kid, to talk about their own weird hobbies and distract him from his life for a while, for them to be so kind despite being so nervous all the time. To just be themselves and not be okay with it, to make him feel less lost and alone in the world. 

Who was he talking about? Why was he thinking about them? They're just a family friend. A family friend who would probably never feel the same about him. No one would probably feel this way about him because it seems like all his 'friends' were just uninterested and just friends with him because they had to be. They were just family friends, or even better, they had to be friends with him because he went to the same synagogue as them and they were urged to socialize with him.

God, he was such a loser. Jared Kleinman, the big, fat, butch looking loser who cries over stupid shit, the one who eats way too much all the time, who stays up all night on 4chan laughing at weeaboos, the one who pushes away anyone who tries to get close because honestly, even he wouldn't want to get close to himself because Jared considers himself a complete waste of human life.

He slowly pushed himself up and dusted off his injured elbows, wiping away tears on his puffy face and trying to calm down. Trying so hard. The trees that brought comfort to Hansen seemed to tower over Jared now, entrapping him in the woods like cage bars. His breathing was quick and panicked, but just then he could hear himself in his head, the words he said to Hansen when he would freak out. 

_"Do you need a paper bag? Just breathe, in and out, in and out."_

He did something he normally wouldn't, but he followed his own advice, but slowly and surely his breathing slowed and his heartbeat followed along. He leaned against a damp, fallen tree and wiped his eyes. Jared spat out the last of the tongue blood and continued to ponder.

God, he hated his dad right now. He was the only person who can make Jared crumble into soggy little pieces so quickly, and he didn't care. Jared never remembered him caring at all. All he remembered was him being drunk and constantly making weird remarks towards him as a child, or yelling at his mom for something stupid, like not picking up his messes quick enough, or dinner being something he didn't want.

Why the fuck didn't she divorce him? In that moment, Jared felt a rush of anger towards one of the few people in his life that cared, and pity chased it. How could she sit by with her head down while he called him fat, or ugly, or stupid, or told him to kill himself in several creative ways? Why would she sit through this? Why was she so scared? His mom was a stay at home mom, but she was a talented woman. Was she scared that if she leaves him, she won't be able to support herself? Did he bully her into believing she was garbage? 

More anger, more frustration. It boiled inside Jared until it felt like all his muscles tensed and in that moment he wanted to hit someone. To bruise someone. He jumped up and paced, his face burning fire red. His father's words were repeated in his head, the words he's said to his own fucking spouse. The ONE person he promised to back up until death. His poor mother crumpling to the ground and crying. Jared made a sound he never thought he could make and his fist flew towards a tree, slamming against the trunk.

He let out a cry of pain which brought him back to reality. 

Oh, god, he was just like his father. Violent, ugly, fat. Jared realized he couldn't trust himself to be close to someone because he'll just abuse them! It's in his blood. Oh, god. Oh, god. He cradled his now throbbing fist and blinked away more tears. All he does is cry, cry, cry. Jared doesn't deserve to live because he'll grow up to be a fat, deadbeat loser who hits their partner, so why not kill himself?

Jared gasped at the mere thought. He's hated himself, cut himself, but he's never actually thought about killing himself. How would the community react? Would they care, or not even realize he was there? He was so alone and lost, and he had no clue if anyone would care. 

How would Evan feel?

Why did Jared care? Evan was a family friend! Why would Jared care what he thought? Why does Jared care so much about that little weirdo who twitches, stutters, and is so anxious that sometimes Jared worries about him?  

Why did Jared feel this warmth in his chest around him, or feel protective over him? He was just so soft, and small, and nervous, and sometimes Jared can't breathe around him. He didn't like that feeling. It made him feel weak, so he was mean to him and he hates every second of it. 

Jared looked down at his now-bruised knuckles and whimpered, shaking it to try to get rid of the intense burning in them. He didn't know if they were broken, or bruised, or needed to be amputated. They needed ice, which means he'd have to go his house. He can't even call it a home when he was there, and the mere thought of going back there made him want to vomit. Jared can't go back and see his dad on the couch, to explain his tear-stained cheeks and skinned elbows. 

He began to walk the opposite direction, towards Evan's house.


	17. Page Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared by himself.

**Shalom, diary.**

The party is a huge success, and by huge fucking success I mean it's the worst and the best thing I've ever attended, and I don't exactly know if I'll regret this later in life. Why? Because a few significant things happened during this particular event, like;

  1. Brook's top slid down and she flashed Chloe. I'm personally not interested in boobs, but it was funny to see how flustered they both got other it.
  2. Rich is probably having a mental breakdown. He keeps asking for Mnt Dew red and I don't even think he's high/drunk. I'm concerned, even though it's hilarious.
  3.  Everyone is confused to why I'm here, they keep deadnaming me, yet Jake said I'm "chill in his book" and Chloe said, "I'm kinda like a dude, but better." Thanks??
  4. I miss Michael.
  5. Evan isn't here yet and hopefully, he doesn't show up. 



So now I'm hiding in a closet because it's too loud out there. It's overwhelming and sometimes you need a break, you know? Whatever. So, I fucking love-hate this night. I wish Michael was here to talk to me because all these kids care about is grinding and drinking. I need a moment.

Okay, Diary, it's about five minutes later and I heard screaming. Turns out Jeremy and Chloe are fucking in Jake's parent's bed. Everyone is freaking out, it's chaos. I'm back in the closet and I can hear Chloe yelling; "JEREMY AND I ARE HAVING HOT SEX ALL OVER YOUR PARENT'S LINEN'S!!!" So, things are going great. I have no fucking clue if this is a normal thing that happens during parties, or somehow I managed to get to "that one party."

So here I am, a little gay ass boy in the closet eating the bowl of chips on the snack table. Michael had said he might try to sneak in, but whoop-de-doo. He isn't here. It's a weird feeling knowing that no one around you would care if you were there or not. Like, why the hell am I here? I might as well leave. 

**Farewell for now, Diary.**

OKAY DIARY. I'M GOING ON THE SAME PAGE BECAUSE HOLY FUCKING ASSHOLE SHIT WENT DOWN. 

I wanted to get out of the closet, but when I got out it was fucking mayhem. It was mostly deserted and smoke was everywhere. I kinda stumbled out, choking on the smoke and trying not to breathe it in so I didn't fucking die from smoke inhalation. And I noticed a little ball of something laying around a wall THAT WAS FUCKING ON FIRE. 

I wanted to ignore it, but this little ball (which I had assumed like a garbage bag) was breathing! I inched closer and it turns out I was right! It was garbage! (It was Rich, but still.) I kinda shook him and he didn't wake up. But he was breathing, so he was still alive! I mean, I couldn't just leave him here to roast, right? Like, he already had burns on him and everything!

So even though I'm small and he's... Swole (do I use that word? I'm not gay for Rich so I have no clue what word to use.) I tried to carry him but he was heavy. I started to drag him but he was still too fucking heavy for me. I'm freaking out a bit and someone grabs my shoulder. And there! Michael has made his dramatic entrance, with fire around him and soot coating his face. 

"Michael!" I cough, "He's too heavy." He motions for me to shut the fuck up and we each hook Rich's arms over our shoulders and drag him out to the yard, where a bunch of kids stood around Jake, who jumped out of his second story window almost completely ass-naked (because he was mid-fuck with Chloe when the fire started.)

So, Michael and I decide to ditch before the police show up so we don't get arrested since Michael drank a bit (he says he half-regrets drinking.) and I'm letting him sleep over my house because my parents aren't home and they never lock the liquor cabinet. I don't want him to go home right now, because he doesn't seem okay right now. I mean, shit is bad for him. His mom is nice but transphobic and she constantly belittles him for "not dressing pretty," his best friend ditched him for some Squip thing, and he smokes weed like he's Connor Murphy reborn.

I get it. I'm kinda not okay either. 

**The page is full, so I shall take my leave,**

**JARED KLEINMAN**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha. Some of the events at the party (despite the fire and stuff) happened to me. Like hiding in the closet and the checklist (although the Rich tweeking out didn't happen to me.)


	18. Squeamish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan doesn't like lots of things.

Jared hesitated at his doorstep, his uninjured hand hovering near the doorbell. Would Evan even answer? 

"Fuck it." He whispered before pushing the button and the doorbell rang. Jared stood there, patiently waiting for Evan to open the fucking door and let him in because his fist was beginning to throb. He waited about ten minutes before he stupidly knocked on the door with his injured fist. A cry escaped his lips as his eyes flooded with tears. Jared cradled his fist to his chest and hissed every swear he knew under his breath.

The door creaked open and Evan peeked out, opening it wider once he saw Jared standing there. 

"W-What are you doing here?" Evan looked around, obviously bewildered by this surprise visit.

"I uh-" Jared didn't know what to say. He searched for a reason, or a joke to crack right now, but nothing came to mind, so he ducked his head and muttered: "My dad came home and I hurt myself. Can I come in?"

"Ye-Yeah, yeah! Um, come in." Evan scooted to the side and in came Jared, breathing in the familiar homely scent that seemed to coat Evan. It's hard to say what it is, but it was clean and fresh, unlike his house which always smelt like his mom's perfume and scotch, because his dad's favorite activity was drinking way too much and throw a tantrum, usually resulting in him spilling it everywhere.

"Um, what did..." Evan pointed at his black and blue knuckles, "S-sorry... What did you do? I meanyoudon'thavetotellmeifyoudon'twanttobecausethatisreallyrudeI'msorryI'll stop." 

"Breathe, Hansen. Can I like, get an ice pack for this fucker? It really, really fucking hurts." He grit his teeth and Hansen nodded, leading him to the kitchen where he rooted through the freezer in search for an ice pack for his fucked hand, "and if you need to know. I uh-" Jared laughed, realizing how stupid it sounded out loud, "I punched a tree."

Evan chuckled, smiling shyly and shaking his head in disbelief. "Why?"

"To piss you off." Jared joked as Evan held out an ice pack for him, "thanks." Jared took it and sighed in relief when he pressed it against his tender bruises and the pain dulled slightly. They stood there awkwardly before Jared decided to try and clear the air. "Do you want to... Hang out? Watch a movie? Sorry if I'm intruding, but my house is the last place I want to be right now."

"Y-Yeah, yeah, sure! I-If you want? We can, uh, just follow me." Evan led Jared into his living room where _Treehouse Masters_ was playing on the tv. Jared just stood there, slack-jawed before bursting out into laughter. Evan jolted and turned, startled by his sudden, loud outburst. 

"You're such a NERD, Hansen! What the hell!? TREEHOUSE MASTERS??"

"It's a good show!" Evan defended, the normal fear in his eyes gone, now flooded with determination and love for one of his favorite shows. "They're putting houses in trees! That's p-pretty cool!" Jared rolled his eyes and shook his head, not wanting to admit that he also found tree houses cool and he's always wanted one since he was a kid.

"Pfft, okay, whatever." He plopped down on the couch, eyes focused on the television as the host talked to the owners about what type of tree house they wanted. Evan awkwardly settled next to him and watched, his eyes darting from the screen to his fingers as he fidgeted nervously, scratching at his already raw cuticles.

Jared turned to Evan, asking: "If you had all the funds to make a treehouse, what would it look like?" 

"Well, I-I'd..." Evan was hesitant at first, his voice a murmur as he stuttered on about what type of tree it'd be in and the type of wood it would be made out of. As he talked on and on and Jared listened intently, he grew more confident and even jumped to his feet, practically dancing around as he fanboyed over having the trunk of the tree poke through the middle of the treehouse as decor and how the general theme of the house would be a sky blue theme. 

Their lively banter was interrupted by Jared's phone buzzing in his pocket. He quickly looked at the number and watched his mom's contact picture pop up. Jared rolled his eyes.

"Sorry, I gotta take this." 

"It's okay..." Jared walked out of the living room to answer the phone (because he knows how to be polite.)

"Jasmi-Uh, Jared? Where are you, honey?" Her words were slurred slightly and his heart dropped. She was drunk, again. 

"I'm- uh, at Evan's house." She exhaled and made a little smiling noise. Jared imagined her sitting on the couch with a bottle of wine, smiling kindly into the phone. "Mom, are you drunk?" Jared asked, his voice low so Evan didn't have to listen to his family affairs.

"I mean, your father and I are having a smaaaaall-" Hiccup, "celebratory glass of wine."

"Celebratory?"

"Oh, yeah! You know how we've been savin' up for that vacation to the Bahamas?" Jared nodded, forgetting she can't see him. Still, she continued on without knowing his answer, "we've finally reached our goal, and your father and I are going on a second honeymoon!" She giggled into the phone and Jared winced at the thought of them on a honeymoon.

"Tha-That's great, mom." He lied between his teeth, "wonderful idea to hang out with him." Jared was annoyed and felt tears prick his eyes. 

"Jared, he-hey. Uh. I'm reallly happy you're making friends with Evan. Heidi was worried about him because he's alone a lot, so when you get home, I'll make you cookies for a little treat. So, thank you, baby." Despite him feeling frustrated towards her, he still had a great deal of love towards his mother and her cookie-baking skills, "okay baby, your dad wants me off the phone, okay? Good night."

He hung up and sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"What's going on?" Jared jolted, turning around to see Evan shyly fidgeting near the doorway. 

"Nothing," Jared mumbled, "my mom just wanted to talk about her vacation." He feigned a smile and looked back at the table, "wanna watch a movie or something? I mean, uh-" Jared felt increasingly flustered and uncomfortable, "no homo, bro." 

"Sure??" Evan was also equally flustered as well, his face glowing red as they both sat on opposite ends of the couch and went through the various movies on Netflix, debating on which one to watch, which genre, and making fun of the stupid movies (like sharknado) until they settled on the Purge. Before they started the movie, Jared turned to Evan.

"Hey, Evan, I'm gonna go get some water. I'm fucking dying of thirst." Jared stood from the couch and stretched, groaning as his back cracked. Evan cringed behind him at the noises, disgusted by his joints popping, Jared smirked and cracked as many bones as he could before stalking off into the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.

As he chugged the water, he couldn't help but notice money on the table along with a note.

_"Get anything you want! =)_

_-MOM"_

"Evan?" He called, looking down at the note. 

"Yeah?"

"Have you eaten anything at all? How can you resist take out?" Evan walked into the kitchen, looking down at the money and began to scratch the back of his neck nervously. "Are you like, anorexic? Do I need to force-feed you?" Jared laughed at Evan, who snickered back quietly at his joke. 

"No, I-I'm not anorexic I just..." Jared leaned against the table and sipped the water, "I don't like talking to people on the phone, okay?" 

For whatever reason, this made Jared crack up mid-sip and ended up spitting water everywhere. It wasn't even that funny, but it was sad and Jared Kleinman was a manly man who laughed at sadness. Evan looked baffled and offered him paper towels to clean himself up but Jared ended up standing there for a good three minutes choking and laughing. 

"Are you okay?"

Jared tried to talk. "Evan, that's so-" More laughter and choking, "so fucked up! Oh my god, that's so pathetic!" Jared recovered from his near-death experience and sighed, still giggling. "Look, here, I'll order for you and talk to them on the phone, okay?"

"No, no, no! Y-You don't have to, I mean, you're right that's so pathetic and-" He was silenced when Jared grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him slightly.

"Look, man, I'm hungry and I just want Chinese food and you do, too. Now let me order shit so we can eat shit, okay?" This calmed down Evan a bit. 

"O-Okay, I'll, uh- get the living room movie ready." Evan stalked away.

* * *

 

Heidi brushed her blonde hair out of her face and sighed as she pulled into the driveway. From there she could see a light in the living room, which surprised her. Normally she came home this late and Evan was asleep in his room, and she was sure that he hadn't left it all day.  She grabbed her purse and left the car, making her way towards the front door.

She walked in to see empty take out boxes on the table and she felt pride. Had Evan finally faced his fears and actually managed to order food? Heidi peeked into the livingroom to see Evan and... Jasmine passed out on the couch, some horror movie playing on the tv. She smiled and turned off the tv and grabbed a spare blanket from the closet and draped it over the two friends.

"Goodnight, kids." She murmured before going upstairs to her bedroom.


	19. Page Ten

**Listen up, Diary**

Rich is a fucking weirdo. So, I'm just in the computer lab and here comes ol' Richie boy who sneered at me before looking like he's fucking possessed by a demon, like muttering and twitching. 

"Uh, excuse me? Do you want something or are you going to stand there and twitch? Are you seizing?" He still didn't react, so I started to pack up my shit and leave before he dies in front of me and I'm the last one to have seen him. I passed him and he grabbed my wrist.

"Stay right there."

_"Let go of me, fucker!"_

Okay no, I didn't say that. I just kinda froze as he started to talk crazy shit. I would've walked out, but Michael had told me about the same shit about those squip things.

"Do you remember me freshman year, Jasmine?" I shook my head, because I wasn't even sure he went here freshman year, "God dammit!" He boomed, slamming his fist onto a desk, "Rich? The kid who offered you "cum-stained tissues.'" Now I was less confused and more alarmed and considering running away. "I knocked into you and broke your glasses, remember?"

Now I remembered snapping at some poor kid. "You were that little asshole?" 

"Yes! Now you've got it! I feel  _great_ knowing even a loser like you couldn't remember me!" Rich had a smile on his face, but his eyes were filled with self-loathing.

"Loser? Are you being fucking serious?" 

"Chill, Jasmine."

"It's JARED!" I snapped, shoving him hard, "Don't call me Jasmine, because my name isn't Jasmine, Richard!" Maybe that wasn't the best idea because I normally don't get physical like that. I'm soft and fragile while Rich was like a small tank who wears way too many wife beater tank tops.

"Feisty!" Rich snickered, "fine, Jared, fine. I just felt bad for you. I remember life as a loner and it sucked, so I want to give you... The opportunity of a lifetime." Rich smiled and began to tell me all the advances of putting a squip in my body. Afterwards, I blinked at him, completely flabbergasted. He was a drug dealer car salesman. 

"What the actual fuck." Like, WHAT THE FUCK DO I SAY?? DO I SHAKE HIS HAND?? SLAP HIM??

"It's only 600 dollars, Jas-Jared!" Thanks for fucking up my name btw.

I scoffed at him and rolled my eyes (channeling my inner teenager that fought to be free.) "Dude, my dad would kill me if he caught me giving someone my allowance for a pill I'm not even sure exist." Rich beamed, showing off his tooth gap.

"Fuck dads, dude! They're all assholes anyway, like, why even listen to them?" Cool. He also has daddy issues. Looks like we'll bond over mutual hatred.

"Look, Rich, I personally think you're a fucking asshole and sick in the brain, so fuck you. I'll think about it." And I left.

I'm so conflicted, Diary. I'm tired of just being... Not enough. I want to be less scared, I want to be less of an ass, I want to be chill for once? Maybe I'm a bad person, but maybe I can help get Jeremy to be Michael's friend again, or get Evan to be less of an asshole, or be a better person? I just need to fix everything and make things less shit for everyone.

**I'm gonna sleep on it,**

**JARED KLEINMAN**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter while tired so it was shit. It's slightly better now. Thanks. xx


	20. Senior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day of senior year, Jared!

Jared woke up to the sound of his alarm clock screaming for him to get his ass out of bed to get ready for his first day of school. He reached out and fumbled with the damned machine before finally turning it off. He sat up and groaned, putting on his glasses and climbing out of his blanket nest to stare at himself in the mirror, trying to decide if he hated himself today, or if he kinda liked himself.

He sighed, running a hand through his short hair. It was a so-so day for Jared. He wishes he had fewer moobs and more muscle, but sadly he's too lazy to actually make a commitment towards a diet. If only like, he could have a personal trainer on his shoulder to yell at him when he neglected to exercise and ate tubs of ice cream. But of course, that won't happen. 

"Okay, time to bind you fuckers up." He mumbled (to his chesticles because he's probably going insane.) as he pulled his pajama shirt off and grabbed his binder which was in a secret spot behind his computer monitor so his dad didn't find it and find out. That would be a disaster and even his mom agrees. They both decided on telling the school and they managed to get the school to change his name in the registry from Jasmine to Jared, so no one would even know he was ever Jasmine. (Except for Evan, of fucking course.)

He managed to get the "boob-smoosher 4000" over his head and now he was as flat as a board. He rooted through his wardrobe before settling on his daily outfit because he was too lazy to experiment with styles anymore. Jared rocks the dad look™. He pulled on his converse and ambled to the kitchen to scarf down cereal before he missed the bus. He sat down at the kitchen counter and grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl and began to eat and contemplate his existence. 

Summer was fun, but Jared is glad it was over. He made friends at camp and totally wrecked at dodgeball, and he even went into a men's bathroom for the first time. But he was somewhat excited to go to school and be a whole new person. But again, things could easily just slip down the drain and fuck him in the ass without lube. He sighed, looking at the microwave clock. Only five minutes to get to the bus stop. He stood and grabbed his backpack off the hook by the door... And left.

Jared walked to the bus stop, nervousness and insecurity bubbling in his stomach as the bus stop grew closer and he could clearly make out the fellow school-goers waiting for the school bus to pull up. He joined the crowd and pulled out his phone, trying to keep himself busy so he didn't freak out or say something stupid. He began to text his mom, who was on vacation with his dad for a few more weeks, so he was home alone for a while longer and it was nice. 

He looked up from his phone to look at the other kids, spotting a few people he recognized and knew as Jasmine, but they didn't pay attention to him. They didn't really even care. They didn't know he used to be Jasmine, and it overjoyed Jared. 

His glee was interrupted by the bus screeching to a halt in front of him.

* * *

 

Jared was mulling around the school, reading his schedule when he spotted Evan awkwardly twitching near some lockers... One of his arms was in a cast. 

He strolled up as if he wasn't super insecure to be seen talking to him and recognized as Jasmine by fellow students and started cracking jokes to hide the worry in his voice because his frie- FAMILY friend was hurt and he looked like he was about to cry.

"Hey, Evan!" He called, a smirk spreading across his face, "Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much?" Okay, maybe he might've said that way too loud, but the look on Evan's face was perfect. Beautiful eyes wide, pale skin growing pink in embarrassment. It was endearing, and fucking hilarious at the same time."I-I didn't!" Evan cried. Jared laughed, nudging him and continuing to tease him.

"I-I didn't! I wasn't doing... That!" Evan replied in a hushed tone, looking around to make sure no one was looking at them or overhearing their conversation. Jared struggled to keep a blank face as he teased him more, spitting out more jokes so he can keep Evan's attention.

"No, wait, imagine this; you have Zoe Murphy's Instagram pulled up on your... Weird off-brand cell phone-"

"Ssssh! That's not what happened!" Evan interrupted, "I just- well- I w-was climbing a tree, and I fell."

"You fell out of a tree?!" Jared laughed, masking the fear in his voice. He knew that Evan was eventually really hurt himself climbing a tree like a total dumbass and he was right, of course, he was! Jared wished he didn't climb them because that's a pathetic way to die and leave Jared behind. "What're you? An acorn?" 

"No, uh, I might've told you this but I worked this summer at a park as an assistant park ranger, um, and I'm kinda a tree expert... Not to brag or," Jared nodded along, trying to listen without interjecting about how dorky his title of "tree expert" sounded, but Jared couldn't be an ass ALL the time, could he? So he listened to Evan talk. "Anyway, I was climbing this 40 foot tall Oak tree-" and Jared's gut dropped. 40 fucking feet of tree?! Jared had a hatred of heights and the idea of falling from that made him want to puke. 

"And then you fell?" 

"Yeah! But it's a funny story though, because there were a solid ten minutes where I was laying on the ground waiting for someone to come get me and I was just like: 'any second now,' and like: 'okay any second now they'll get me.'"

"...Did they?" Jared couldn't handle the thought of Acorn laying on the ground with a mangled arm waiting for someone to get him, but no one did. 

Evan shook his head, "No, no, nobody came! Tha-That's the funny part."

Jared stared at him in disbelief, "Jesus Christ,"

"How're... What did you do for-" He was getting quieter, a sign that Evan didn't want to talk about something anymore. Jared leaned in to hear him better, "Did you have a good summer?"

Jared was so pumped to brag about how he was so cool in summer camp. "Well, my bunk dominated in capture the flag, and I might've gotten to second base with someone at camp." The second part was a lie. Jared didn't even know why he said that. He watched Evan's face carefully for any sign of... Something. Jealousy? Happiness? Disgust? Anything, really. "Yeah, that answers your question."

Jared began to walk away to get to class when Evan piped up behind him.

"He-Hey, do you want to sign my cast?" 

For some fucking reason, this made Jared nervous. If he did, he couldn't simply wash his name off or something, it'd be stuck to Evan until the cast was taken off. But, on the second hand, Evan wouldn't forget him easily. His name would just be there with Evan and they'd be together? 

"Why..." Jared began, "I mean, why the hell not? Tell your mom to tell my mom that I signed your cast or she won't pay for my car insurance." He turned back around and grabbed the sharpie from Evan, writing "The insanely cool Jared Kleinman" in medium-sized letters on the white cast. He stepped back and admired his messy handwriting. Evan smiled, his cheeks flushed as Jared handed back the marker. 

"Tha-thanks!" Evan began to walk away and Jared spotted Connor walking in with watery red eyes and his signature scowl. Since he's on a roll here, he might as well fire a few jokes at the antisocial kid.

"Hey, Connor!" Connor looked up at Jared, who grinned like a Cheshire cat at the emo kid. "I'm lovin' the new hair length! Very school shooter chic!" He was met with silence. Jared didn't like it when people didn't laugh at his jokes, because it made him feel slightly better to see people laughing or smiling at him because normally no one did. "Iwas just kidding. It was a joke." 

"Yeah, no, it was funny, I'm laughing... Can't you tell?" Buddy, you're not fucking laughing, you look like you're gonna stab Jared or throw a printer at Jared, "am I not laughing hard enough for you?" He started advancing towards Jared, whose life was flashing before his eyes, but Jared didn't like leaving without saying a word. It was cowardly in his opinion. 

"Y-You're such a freak." And he left with his tail tucked between his legs.


	21. Page Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Page is blank, but if you look closely you can see there was writing that was erased.

 

**dear diary,**

i'm drunk again yay but i can only really write when im wasted beca

im all cool now whitch is cool but its weird and hard but i like it

im tryng to get michael to join us because he deservs to be cool too

okay diary i gotta go

**Jared muthafurcking Kleinman**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally getting to the actual plot. I'm sorry if you guys have lost track so far. I'd advise you to reread if you want because I forgot the plot for a bit because I took large breaks while writing this.


	22. Guilt Quilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared isn't always an asshole. Don't tell anyone, it'd ruin his reputation.

Jared's heart soared when he was sitting around at home on his computer (browsing 4chan and reading up on the chem trail conspiracy.) when Evan requested to video-chat him. His eyes widened and he looked down at himself to make sure he looked presentable. He passed that test from the waist up since he wasn't wearing pants and donned batman boxers, but it'll do for now.

Evan answered, visibly upset and word-vomited the situation to Jared the best he could in 0.5 seconds. 

"A letter to yourself?! What the crap does that even mean?" Jared guffawed loudly, "Is it like, a sex thing?" Jared could see that even though Evan's laptop camera was shit that Evan's cheeks were bright red. This made him smile. It was something Jared considered his thing. When they were young, he would embarrass Evan and do stupid shit to get him to blush. For some reason, it was sacred to him. Yeah, it made him an asshole, but whatever. Who ISN'T an asshole? 

Well, Evan really wasn't. He was always just so nice to Jared. 

"No!" Evan snapped, running his hands through his hair, "it's not a sex thing, it was an assignment." He explained. 

"W-Why're you talking to me about this?" Jared wasn't good in these situations. Like, he barely follows his own advice, why would anyone else? He just spewed out jokes, arrogance, and memes, nothing intelligent or helpful in any way. 

Evan said; "I don't know who else to talk to! You're my only-" He hesitated and Jared felt a brief flicker of sadness, "F-family friend." He muttered, averting his eyes from the screen.

Jared sighed; not quite knowing how he felt about this. Family-friend was true, but did he just want to be family friends? Maybe they could be close friends or more. Jared turned those thoughts off like a light switch; knowing that if he tried, it would fail and he would have no one. So he must hold Evan away or things would go to shit. 

"Oh my god." Jared face-palmed. 

"I-I don't know what to do! He stole the letter from me three days ago and he just... He hasn't been at school since." 

"That does not bode well for you," Jared smirked despite knowing that Evan would be fucked if his sex letter was spread around school for everyone to read, "Who knows what he'll do! Connor Murphy is batshit out of his mind! Remember when he threw a fucking printer at Miss G in second grade because he didn't get to be line leader!?" Okay, Jared wasn't completely sure this was true. Apparently, Heather witnessed it along with her group of thots and spread it around on the playground, but Jared was willing to believe it's true because it seemed realistic enough at the time.

Evan's eyes widened in horror; his jaw dropped and he visibly paled. "D-Do you think he's gonna show people?" 

"Ha!" Jared leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms across his chest. "He's going to ruin your life with it for sure! I mean..." Jared trailed off, wondering if he should continue on. He did anyway, "I would."

"O-Oh god." Evan murmured, now running both hands through his hair. Jared spotted something on his cast and got distracted from the topic at hand. It happens often though. He'll be playing a game and get distracted from the main quest and end up doing random shit like collecting watermelons or teabagging all the dead enemies. It was annoying because he did the same with schoolwork. Once he was writing an essay on a book and he ended up staying up all night... Researching parakeets. 

"Did you actually get other people to sign your cast? Let me see, Let me see!" 

"What?" Evan asked, confused by the random topic change. He nodded and awkwardly tried to angle his arm to face the camera and Jared's heart throbbed when he saw in big letters **"CONNOR"** over his _"the insanely cool Jared Kleinman."_

A lump formed in Jared's throat. "He signed your cast? What the shit?!" Jared forced a laugh, throwing his head back. "What an ass! He wrote it so it covered mine. Why did you let him sign it?!"

Evan chuckled awkwardly. "Ah, well- Uh, it's okay? He wrote it t-too big, but it's whatever it doesn't matter." Evan shook his head, "it's just a cast, Jared." 

"Ye-yeah. Right." Jared sighed, "Well, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later." He hung up before Evan could say goodbye and leaned back. For some reason, his gut twisted and a sense of dread overwhelmed him. He needed to get out of his house. It was a nice day outside and a walk would clear his mind. He got up and pulled on his pants and shoes, preparing to walk to the park or something. 

He exited the house and squinted in the harsh sunlight and began to walk, scuffling his feet on the sidewalk and kicking stones. 

Why did Evan make him feel so gross? 

Did he have... A crush? Jared shook his head and sighed, realizing that he wants more with Evan, he wants friendship; but he didn't want Evan to leave him. If he became close with him, it'd hurt more when Evan would move on without him. Jared stopped and looked up at the park to see a bunch of people standing in front of it panicking. He jogged up to see what's going on.

"911? I was walking in the park and I saw-" A lady was shaking, talking into her phone loudly. Jared walked into the park, trying to figure out why they were calling 911. 

Then he saw him.

A guy slumped on a park bench with pale, greenish skin with dried vomit caked on his clothes and his long, brown hair. Jared recoiled, hands flying up to his mouth once he realized who it was. 

It wasn't a bum or a random dead guy. No, no, this was Connor Murphy. The boy that he had teased just days before was now dead in front of him. Jared couldn't help but feel guilty. Maybe if he wasn't an ass to him, he would be alive?

No, Connor was already batshit. Jared probably didn't help, but even if he had ignored Connor, he'd probably still do it. 

How would his parents react? What's going to happen next? Jared was nervous for the next few days of school. Would they shove positivity down their throats? "BE HAPPY AND DON'T KILL YOURSELF" was the schools motto. They constantly hung up posters saying to stay positive, which Jared found counterproductive because all they fucking did was make suicidal kids feel less alone! They can't be happy because they're depressed.

Jared didn't realize he was crying until a police officer put his hands on his shoulders and lead him away, worry twisting his features.

"Did you know this young man, son?"

"N-No. I didn't. I just-" Jared shook his head, "I need to get home." Surprisingly he was let go and he made his way home to curl up in his mother's home-made quilts and hide from the world. 

 


	23. Not Even Left on Read

Three days ago

**Michael the Boyf:** Hey budroski, wanna come over and get stoned? I missed you at school today. Physics is whack without us getting yelled at for whispering.

**Michael the Boyf:** Are you sick or something?

**Michael the Boyf:** Do you need me to call 991 bud? Haha you're not even reading my texts

**Michael the Boyf:** lol I'm being paranoid like a jealous girlfriend. You're probably sleeping or eating or dead

**Michael the Boyf:** Get better soon, sweet child.

 

Two days ago

**Michael the Boyf:** Saw you at lunch today for a bit but it's weird how we haven't really talked???

**Michael the Boyf:** Are you like tutoring or smthing because you came in and walked out.

**Michael the Boyf:** Helloooooo??

**Michael the Boyf:** hopefully your phone isn't broken buddy. talk to you soon.

One day ago

**Michael the Boyf:** The connor project???

**Michael the Boyf:** I thought you didn't like connor or evan???

**Michael the Boyf:** now you're like, the fucking co president

**Michael the Boyf:** it's like youre a whole different person, dude!

**Michael the Boyf:** no

 

_Today_

_[TheinsanelykoolJare has changed their name to Jasmine Kleinman <3.]_

**Michael the Boyf:** please not you. its like i'm unfriendable or something like, are you squipped too? first jeremy and now you??? this isnt you, jared, i mean, if you are detransitioning, i'll accept you, but to be fuckung honest, i think youre squipped and its making you do this. please please please please not you, you're using emojis now!!! it's like youre average now and thats NOT A COMPLIMENT.

**Michael the Boyf:** please dont leave me too

**Michael the Boyf:** why does everyone leave me

_[Jasmine Kleinman <3 is typing]_

_[Jasmine Kleinman <3 has blocked Michael the Boyf from the chat!]_

**Jasmine Kleinman <3:** I'm sorry.

 


	24. @ConnorMurphy

"Holy SHIT!" 

Evan looked subdued, his eyes glazed from what Jared guessed was his anxiety meds. "I-I didn't say anything... I just- I couldn't say anything."

"Holy fucking shit." Jared repeated, placing his small bowl of ice cream on his desk, still processing Evan's words. He had this time called Evan, asking him something about science class homework when Evan once again word-vomited all this information on him. 

"They invited me for dinner. They want to know more stuff about Connor, a-about our... Friendship."

A pop up appeared on Jared's computer and he clicked it, seeing that Alana had tweeted something other than her daily humble-brag about helping the homeless or donating all her organs to cancer kids or some mushy shit like that. He rolled his eyes at it, seeing that she even tweeted it towards the dead kid. Now was the time to chuckle about it, though! He kept a serious face and went back to talking to Evan.

"What're you gonna tell them!?"

Evan lowered his voice, eyes down on something he was fidgeting with - his fingernails most likely - as he spoke. "T-The truth?"

Jared leaned towards the camera, his chair creaking. "The truth? Okay, so you're gonna go to the Murphy house and explain that the only thing they have left of their son is some weird sex letter that you wrote to yourself. You know, you could go to jail for this!" Okay, Jared wasn't quite sure this was true because he might've skimmed a facebook article about it, but it seemed like the right thing to say right now. Evan couldn't do this to that family. Jared didn't want think that because he didn't get Evan to help them, a family fell apart like his.

"I didn't do anything!" Evan sputtered, hands flailing in the air like he was trying to fly away.

"Yeah, I hate to tell you this, buddy-boy, but you may have already burned yourself, you're fucked here." 

"B-But I wasn't like, under oath, like in a court room!" Evan argued. They bickered back and forth for a minute.

"Well, weren't you under oath in a way?!"

Evan seemed to pause and think for a beat, "no." Was his reply. Jared rubbed his temples in frustration, feeling the beginning of a stress headache brewing in his head like a thundercloud looming over a city. He would steal some of his mom's migraine pills that night despite hating how it made him pass out and wake up the next day, delirious and dizzy. It worked like a charm, though.

Jared sighed, his indignant tone now faded into exasperation. "Look, do you wanna listen to me or have another meltdown like last year?" Evan visibly paled, but since Jared was the king of saying horrible things he kept talking. "When we were in English and you were supposed to give that speech but instead you just stood there, staring at your notes and going "um um um um"' Jared mocked Evan here, "Over and over again like you were having a brain aneurysm!" Jared looked up at the screen to see what looked like tears beginning to form in Evan's eyes, he wasn't sure though since Evan's camera made him grainy and blurry. 

Guilt settled in Jared's stomach but he pushed it down, turned it off. He must stay aloof. He must push away and keep Evan away. 

"Okay, what you expect me to do?!" Evan snapped, his camera shook as he stood and Jared could see him pace around his room. "Do you want me to- to keep LYING!?" 

"I didn't say lie!" Jared exclaimed, "all you have to do is nod and confirm whatever they say about Connor. J-Just nod your head and you say "yeah, that sure sounds like him.'" Jared slammed his hands on the table, "Don't contradict and don't make shit up! This plan is fool-proof. Like, literally nothing I tell my dad is true and he has no idea."

Evan's voice wavered as he spoke, his eyes dark with woe. "H-His mom was so sad. She wouldn't stop crying. I-I've never seen anyone that sad." Jared winced, remembering nights of hearing his dad get drunk and scream at his mother until she somehow magically turned from a strong, independent businesswoman into a whimpering, sobbing, frightened mess.

Evan couldn't tell the truth. It'd ruin that family. 

Jared spoke with glib, attempting to shake away the memories. "Well, good thing you're about to tell her the truth about your sex letter. I'm sure that will cheer her right up." Ah, sarcasm tasted so good running off his tongue like cool water on a hot day. It was like a comforting blanket draped around him, a shield to protect how he really felt. "Look, I've gotta go. My  _real_ friends are messaging me." And he signed off, leaving behind a very troubled Acorn with a very big decision to make.

Jared stared at his blank screen, looking at the messages he sent his friends. They hadn't even left him on read. Somehow that hurt more, but he merely shook his head and leaned back in his chair far enough to stare at his cracked ceiling and ponder.

Why did it seem like Evan was becoming a drama magnet nowadays? It was strange because Evan Hansen in the high school scheme was just a blip on the map, much like Jared was. But he felt strange thinking about it. What if Evan became popular? How would he feel about that?

God, he'd be so jealous. What he wouldn't do to be able to be chill, to be cool enough to be actually invited to parties and events. Jared wanted friends so desperately. He just wanted people to not betray him, or leave him, or make fun of him for being himself. 

Jared had never even gone to a real party. Is there kegs? Beer? How _much_ weed is there? 

It seemed like he was missing out on the real teen experience here. He's never been high, he's never been at a terrible party, he's never even had his first kiss. 

Jared felt his face flood with color at the thought, his mouth curling into an embarrassed smile as he covered his face like someone was there to judge him, to mock him for being such a nerd. Like, who hasn't gotten their first kiss under the slide in the playground, or in the woods at summer camp? Jared has witnessed people getting kissed before, but he was the one kid who hadn't yet.

He sat up with a groan when his phone buzzed with a snapchat from his mom. He opened it, gasping in disgust when it was a blurry picture of his dad, who was very, very, very sunburned and wearing a bright blue speedo about six sizes too small that looked like it was about to break and expose-

"What the hell?" He laughed, replying with a picture of him holding up a disinterested thumbs up. 

Maybe things aren't so bad after all.


	25. Phone call

**Unknown Number:** are you a friend of Jared Kleinman?

 **Michael the Boyf:** I used to be. Who is this??

 **Unknown Number:** Hi. I'm Danielle Kleinman and I'm his mom. 

 **Michael the Boyf:** Wild

 **Unknown Number:** Wild?

 **Michael the Boyf:** This is the second time a parent has reached out to me about their child. 

 **Unknown Number:** I don't get it but let me get to the point. I went through Jared's phone (which I normally don't do, but I was scared that he was in danger) and I saw you were the only person he had texted in the last few months.

 **Unknown Number:** I'm not impressed about the weed and the cussing, but it's done of my business. 

 **Michael the Boyf:** what do you want me to do?? kidnap him and like, yell at him?

 **Unknown Number:** he told me he wanted to be Jasmine again. At one point in my life I would've been relieved to hear that, but I know in my heart that he is my son. 

 **Unknown Number** : he said he was going to be at the school play tonight to support his friends and sell Connor Project shirts.

 **Michael the Boyf:** I'm going to the play too. I guess I'll just bring extra refreshments.

 **Unknown Number:** Please help him. He's so lost and I don't know how to talk to him. 

* * *

 **JasmineKleinman <3:** heyo evan! :) 

 **JasmineKleinman <3**: How much are we selling the shirts for? Thank you! x

 **EvanHansen:** 5.00$ a shirt. you know this jasmine

 **JasmineKleinman <3:** I'm sorry! I forgot! :D

_(1 drafted text)_

_JasmineKleinman <3: jared i'm jared pleaslplea_

 


	26. A Blade Between Shoulder Blades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Change was in the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it seems rushed, guys, I lost a lot of work and had to rewrite so I'm a bit flustered.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I love kind comments (hint.)
> 
> If transphobia and deadnaming trigger you, please turn back now~

Jared had grown to enjoy Monday mornings, as his parents were still on vacation and getting drunk off the forgotten scotch in the back of the dusty liquor cabinet has soon grown dull to the hormonal teenager. It was the first day of Autumn - his favorite season - and although everything around him was dying and littering the streets, there was something new in the air.

Jared felt like things were going to change. He wasn't sure why he felt that, or if the change is for better or for worse... It's likely to happen. He smiled to himself as he realized there will be no more overheating under layers because he needed to hide his curves, or struggling to peel off a damp binder after a long day. Now he could wait at the bus stop without showing up to school dripping with sweat and being forced to bring an extra shirt to change into due to giant pit stains that sadly didn't flatter his figure.

Jared walked outside and was hit with a blast of air just cool enough to send a shiver down his spine. He sighed, adjusted the backpack straps cutting into his shoulders, and began his way down to the end of the street where the bus stop was located. He took his time, though, because his bus driver enjoyed being late on days like these. Plus, Jared wanted some pictures of the leaves to show his mom before they all turned into that ugly shade of brown that wasn't even worth a good photo.

He pulled out his cheap-ass camera from his bag and snapped a few pictures of the flame colored trees that framed the grey asphalt road. He enjoyed photography and was currently saving his pennies to scrape together enough money for an expensive camera. This delighted his mom, who enjoyed his photos and hung them in her half of her bedroom and eagerly asked him if he wanted to go to college for it. He normally didn't have an answer, because his dad would roll his eyes and say stuff like.

"I thought you were going to be a secretary at my business, Jazzy?"

"Photography is a hobby, not a business."

"It's so boring, it's just a sunset. We see that every day."

He clearly didn't understand it. But when they were in private, Jared's mom would smile and compliment his photography, saying "don't mind him, he's having a rough day" even though it seemed he was having a bad day every day. Yet Jared still took pictures for his mom to hang up on her already overcrowded wall that was filled with every picture he's printed out for her. He wouldn't show it, but it made him happy to see them all organized by year so he can see how he's improved.

Now Jared was nearing the bus stop and he could see people arriving as well and going into their organized clusters of friends and conversating with them. Jared sadly didn't have a group. He was friendly with the nerds, he could get a friendly nod from some of the drama geeks, and he would get scoffed at by the jocks for even breathing in their direction.

The bus stop was an interesting place here. Jared considered it the road to adulthood. He had many firsts at this exact street corner. His first cigarette (offered to him by an upperclassman), witnessing his first fist-fight, first time smelling marijuana, and the first time he was catcalled! It was a glorious place, despite being ruthless and all the students craved bloodshed here. The difference between here and the jungle is the overload of AXE deodorant and sexual tension in the air between the buff short guy and one of the jocks.

But now Jared stood there at the bus stop staring at his phone's home page and flipping from one app to another in search for something to keep himself occupied. Once in a while he'd glance up to see not only the popular girls looking at him, but the jocks took time out of their daily humblebragging about their workout routine to stare him up and down as well, as though they were scanning him for something. Even as Jared said hi to the nerds, they appeared uncomfortable  
and they looked at one another to gauge their reaction to his arrival.

Rich elbowed his buddy and they looked at him, mainly at his chest as if they were looking for something... Why were they looking so-

Jared's thoughts were interuppted as the bus screeched to a stop in front of the crowd. The teenagers began to crowd towards the narrow door and managed elbowed their way into a decent line. He eventually boarded and sat down, making sure to put his bag next to him - which clearly showed every teen that he wanted them to fuck off and not sit near him because he was allergic to social interaction.

As the bus swayed back and forth, Jared's eyes began to droop, so he leaned against the window despite it being coated in greasy fingerprints and who-knows-what to catch some Z's before class. He decided the best song to fall asleep to is "A Day in Falsettoland," a personal favorite. He had never been a fan of Broadway before, but he was violently thrusted into the glamour of Theatre by Reddit and youtube suggestions.

As he dozed, he pondered how far these emails would go. It was frustrating to write them because Evan would write the gayest shit back and Jared would have to laugh at him and inform him of Evan's possible closeted homosexuality for Evan to go through and "heterosexualize" it. Which required several variations of "no homo" in each email and sometimes in each sentence. It was hilarious to see Evan sputter out an argument to why going to this special romantic restaurant with your best buddy isn't gay at _all_.

But there was another aspect to Jared's fear, though. There was guilt. He was faking emails from a dead kid. What if someone found out? Would he be arrested? How bad would his reputation sour if someone other than Evan at school found out? Right now he was in the clear area where he'd get called names once in a while, but for now he wasn't bully target and people stayed out of his way in fear of a verbal attack, because Jared was becoming known for being a wise-cracking asshole.

He still wondered why those jocks gave him any special attention earlier. Not much was different with him. Maybe they were talking about how he was selling Connor Murphy pins for three bucks?

Yeah, that was probably it.

Someone was tapping his shoulder.

"Jasmuyetr heress." The voice was muffled by Whizzer singing in his ear about how life was a sham. Jared sat up and opened his eyes to be greeted by a smiling brunette with short hair. He slipped his earphones out of his ears. "Wakey wakey! We're here! I can't believe you fell asleep on the bus. I'd get carsick and bleugh." She made a vomiting noise and laughed at her own joke, which somehow made Jared chuckle.

"I'm a dumbass and I decided to stay up all night watching Law and Order." He explained, "I feel like I'm an actual lawyer now." The girl laughed, her eyes crinkling with happiness. It was like you took the sun and turned it into a person, he noted. Jared would normally be annoyed at her perkiness, but it seemed like she wasn't forcing it and she was genuinely kind. It was jarring, as everyone seemed to have a flaw in this school. Jared was an ass, Evan was kind but too anxious to show it, and everyone else faked it. Yet this girl seemed like she was kind because that was who she was.

"Oh, well, that's okay! It happens! One time I stayed up all night rehearsing a role over and over again that I was practically saying the lines in my sleep and- Oh!" She paused, her cheeks flushing pink as she giggled nervously, "I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself and sometimes I just talk and on! I'm Christine, it's nice to meet you, Jasmine!"

Jared was about to open his mouth to introduce himself, and then it hit him what she had said. He felt his chest tighten and his face burn red, as if she had just pantsed him in front of everyone.

"That's your name, right?" She asked cautiously, her grin shrinking.

"Who told you my birth name?" Jared snapped. Christine visibly paled as she realized. She began to stutter how she heard it around and how she didn't know he went by a different name. But Jared was always getting off the bus with the intention to find out who told. Of course, only one person really knew, so Jared already knew who, but he couldn't do something like that, right? Evan didn't even like squishing spiders, much less ruin Jared's life.

When he entered school, it seemed like the sea of students parted for him as he searched for Evan so he can strangle him and drown him in the toilet a little bit. Maybe he'd make him lie and say he was kidding, since Evan seemed so fond of lying so often. Jared sincerely hoped Evan would choke on the bullshit he spewed.

Jared ran into Rich and his glasses flew off his face, skittering on the tile floor away from him. Jared fell to his knees and looked up, narrowing his eyes and trying to make out the group of people in front of him. 

"Watch where you're going, Jasmine!" Rich snapped, causing the group to burst into laughter at Jared - who teared up but tried to mask it with anger. 

"That isn't my name!" Jared yelped, "get the fuck out of my way." He pushed through the crowd of sneering kids to hear a very familiar voice. Jared slipped on his glasses and locked eyes with Evan, who looked different. Gone were his oversized blue polos and khakis, replaced by a hoodie and grey jeans. His eyes were wide with fear before he twitched and they went cold. 

Jared blacked out the rest of the confrontation, but he did remember his fist slamming into a locker near Evan's head and running out of the school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D
> 
> I feed off your suffering.
> 
> We're nearing the end of the story, guys! I'm going to attempt to wrap it up in like, six more chapters!


	27. Inspection.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is supposed to be poetic, it totally isn't me being emo.

Jasmine stood in front of the mirror before getting in the shower, staring at herself in the mirror. 

_Ugly._

Fresh scars run up her spine from the electrocution. 

"Ugly." Says the squip, appearing behind her. Evan's blue eyes regard her in disgust. 

"Ugly." She repeats.

_Ugly._


	28. Days flew by as quickly as he could flip the page

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasmine looks back on how often she'd write in her beloved diary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unreliable narrator and lots of self-hatred and misgendering!
> 
> I'm also very tired so I'm sorry if it's garbage.

"Honey, just pick a notebook, please," She pleaded with Jared who scowled down at his feet, "You're going through a lot and I think writing it down will be good for you, honey." Jared stayed silent and just forcefully exhaled. "Pick anyone here, any color, baby! What about that blue one, that one's pretty cool, right?" He looked at it and sighed again, shaking his head angrily. His mom was delusional and was still convinced that Evan didn't do it, but she realized how bad of an impact being forcibly outed was.

Of course, as any modern mom would do, she turned to the knowledge of mommy blogs to figure out how to help her son smile again, as if arts 'n crafts and pinterest diy projects could take away the fact that the whole school knows his given name and mostly everyone refused to use his chosen name with the exception of a few non-assholes.

He liked Christine.

"Jared, can you try for me, darling?" She whispered, a hand on his shoulder. "Please make an effort."

"What the hell will writing in a diary do for me, mom?" He snapped, adjusting his glasses. She looked hurt for a moment and he felt bad for a second before remembering how she dismissed the fact that Evan had told the school his deadname. Jared went back to scowling like the edgy teen he was, "it won't make them stop being assho-" He was cut off by her glaring at him.

"Look, if you do it... I'll raise your allowance." Ah, bribery. It was his guilty pleasure. Jared hated how she didn't know (or bothered to learn) how to get him to do things without money or food involved, but he loved the fact that she'll raise his allowance and bake cookies for him to do minimal tasks. Plus, it wasn't as if it were hurting his family financially or anything. He might not be loaded like the Murphy household is, but his dad made enough money for him to feel a bit less guilty accepting her offers.

He exhaled forcefully and grumbled a yes. She beamed, her eyes crinkling with happiness. Jared knew that she'd go on and on about her successful parenting methods at her tennis club later, but he figured it might not hurt to get a new notebook. He doesn't even have to write his feelings and shit in it. He could draw dicks and she wouldn't know. She'd be delighted that he was "letting it all out."

_Okay, mom. Sure._

He looked at the plentiful collection of notebooks of different colors and styles. There was every color of the rainbow and that one binder that caught his eye. If Jared were asked to describe why he was drawn to it, he'd simply chuckle and say "it's me as a notebook." It was a sparkly rainbow notebook. Although it seemed pretty gay, the inside label told him it was for little girls and it clearly wasn't meant to look like the gay flag. Even now, he chuckled at the thought of the factory workers putting out these notebooks. What if it were a homophobic company? A homophobic, _Christian_ company who blessed the notebooks before sending them out?

He picked it out and showed it to his mom, who appeared a bit skeptical of his choice of school supplies.

"With what's going on at school, are you sure you should get something this..." She gestured towards it, trying to communicate what was wrong with the sparkly, gay notebook. After a few minutes of making what Jared assumed was mommy blog gang signs, she heaved a sigh and blurted out something that killed at least half of his brain cells. "Look, Jared, don't get... These colors." She tapped on the cover of the notebook with her finger, "they're girl colors."

He waited for the punchline.

Jared realized she wasn't fucking with him.

"What." He chuckled, still waiting for her to laugh and explain the unfunny joke. She just did her best impression of a goldfish, "are you fucking with me?"

"Well, you know what I mean, Jared." His mom rolled her eyes. Jared could practically feel his blood pressure rise. He made fun of himself all the time for liking feminine shit still, but for his own mother to try to emasculate him had pushed him over the edge. He decided right there and then that this diary would become his diary, he would rant and write his feelings and shit. He will rub the glittery cover on every inch of his body if he had to.

No, probably not, but that'd be a pain to get off.

"This is the one, mom." He said with a cocky grin. She rolled her eyes, yet she didn't force him to put it back and pick out the nice green one she's been eyeing for a few minutes. They went to the counter where a teenager with dead eyes mindlessly scanned the notebook. Jared feared that he'd be judged for his notebook choice, but it seemed that Greg (as his nametag says) was dead to the world.

Jared got it. Sometimes he could feel himself die inside when he worked the register at Lush as well. He slid him a tip before leaving.

"Here's a pen, baby," She handed him a pen stolen from the bank and smiled at him as he climbed into the backseat. "Go ham."

Go ham indeed. He was embarrassed at first and didn't take it seriously. But after a little bit of angry scribbling, he swore he could feel the tension rising off him with each pen stroke. It was euphoric and he wondered if people did drugs for this reason.

Of course, life wasn't all good. He got home, logged into the school chatroom to see gossiping kids throw around his deadname. After a few minutes of frustrated crying and hatred for one certain acorn, he wrote again the next day.

Days flew by, months flew by. He met new people, made more enemies, documented each change in his journey in that gay-ass notebook, it followed him throughout his high school experience and it went from just being the stupid diary his mom forced him to write in and it turned into something he looked forward to seeing each day. He'd sneak it in class and pretend he was writing notes while he doodled on the edges of the pages. He even brought it to his first party and escaped a house fire with it.

Yeah, this poor diary has seen some shit.

But now his beloved diary lay under his bed, sadly abandoned since Jasmine was told it wasn't cool to have one. He begged the squip to let him keep it, saying it's a memoir of his past life as a loser and that he won't write in it again. Evan - the squip - said okay and as a compromise, Jasmine had to go to school wearing makeup and a dress. That was the worst day of his life. He felt like everyone was looking at him, elbowing their friends and saying "I told you so, it was a phase."

It was strange to be in the same friend group as Evan, who acted like a Connor lookalike, but cooler. People liked how "edgy" he was now and it confused Jasmine. Maybe it was because he was a year older or something. He didn't know.

Jeremy Heere was the coolest of the group in Jasmine's opinion. He seemed still normal and he was the one who got her in the group, saying that Jasmine really liked photography, which made Chloe like her since Jasmine followed her Instagram account where she'd post selfies with as much cleavage as she could; saying stuff like "feeling ugly ;p." Once Jasmine asked why she did it, Chloe informed her if she didn't, she'd look like a whore.

You learn new things every day.

And then the instagram account JasmineKleinman<3 came to be. It became Jasmine's cage. With each like on her photos, she realized that she was trapped in this persona once again. Jasmine was in the same cage she had escaped years earlier when she yelled that she was a boy at her mom's dinner party. Jasmine was now plastered across social media as someone she wasn't.

Because she wasn't Jasmine and she knew it, but what's the harm in a little bit of pretending, right? If she pretended, the squip wouldn't electrocute as often, covering her body in lightning shaped scars.

But now, it was the night of the play and the squip knew something was up. Jasmine had asked what's going to happen, and the squip would smugly reply, telling her that her not knowing will help give the night a favorable outcome. Instead of dwelling on it, she pushed it out of her mind and turned to her closet, now filled with clothes Chloe and Brook let her borrow. They were too small, but they excitedly told her that it made her boobs look _so_ good.

That's what Jasmine really wanted to hear from two possible repressed lesbians.

"Now, tonight you will be selling Connor Project merchandise with Evan. It'll be you two watching Midsummer night's dream: Reborn together... Alone in your booth... Watching romantic zombie killing..." The squip said, pacing back and forth in front of her. Jasmine nodded dumbly as Squip Evan rambled on about the probabilities of a hookup or future romance.

A small shock jolted her from her thoughts. She let out a yelp of pain when red-hot electricity shot through her right arm, her fingers tingling as if they had fallen asleep. Jasmine grabbed her arm and clutched it to her chest. It was numb.

"What the fuck?!" She barked, standing and crossing her arms, "what the fuck did I do now?"

"Pay. Attention." The squip hissed, "this is crucial to you getting Evan to like you, Jasmine."

"Okay, okay, whatever."

"Now, get dressed in your Connor Project stuff, Jasmine. We have work to do." Evan disappeared in a burst of colored code. Jasmine could breathe easy for a little bit while he was deactivated. After getting changed into the uniform she sat on her bed and debated getting drunk so it would go away for a while longer. It was a nice thought, but her mom had gotten a new lock for the liquor cabinet.

Her phone buzzed from where it rested on her nightstand and she groaned at the thought of having to send heart emojis back and forth with Chloe once again. She seemed like a nice girl, but someone had converted her into the bitch side, it seemed. Poor girl. Jasmine had just been recruited and she hated it thus far. Everything the squip had promised sucked. Popularity sucked, being sexy sucked, having every popular guy but Evan want to fuck her _really_ sucked.

She reached over and picked it up to see a message from a blocked number. Probably Michael. She sighed and debated deleting it without reading it. With a shaky breath, Jasmine deleted it. She had expected relief to wash over her, but she felt nauseous.

"I was testing you." The squip's voice cuts into the silence and she screamed, "you're finally learning. It only took..." He ran a finger over the fresh scars on her arms, "so many tries for it to stick. But I'm a dedicated squip, Jasmine. You're already 68% cooler, and people like you! What more could you want, Jasmine?"

She didn't want to think about what she _really_ wanted in fear of another scar joining the clusters littering her body.

"Nothing." Her voice was a whisper. The squip smiled and lifted her chin, encouraging her to look into his unnatural yellow eyes. What was probably supposed to soothe her only irritated her and she quickly pushed it away with her mind and stood, straightening her shirt and walking towards her bedroom door. She opened it to see a clearly upset mother hovering awkwardly outside, unsure how to go about talking to her daughter.

"Jared-" She breathed, her eyes watery as she reached out to hug her close. Jasmine offered a half-hearted hug back, and once she stepped back from the embrace she was instructed to correct her. Jasmine wondered for a split second on what she had to correct her on before it snapped. The squip shocked her, but it was subtle enough for Jasmine to flinch slightly.

A reminder of what's to come if she didn't obey.

"Jasmine." Jasmine snapped in a desensitized voice, obeying the squip. This only earned her a roll of eyes from her mother; who clearly didn't believe what Jasmine was saying.

"Jared." She repeated, albeit a bit more forcefully, "you are Jared Kleinman, my only son. I don't why you're acting like this, baby! I was told by a friend of yours that some transgender people detransition but--" She sighed, "I know you. You're Jared Kleinman." She tried to get through to Jasmine, who refused to meet her eyes. The Squip rolled his eyes and muttered something about sentimental humans before commanding her to leave.

"I'm going to the school play."

Jasmine expected a fight from her mother, a few tears shed, but was surprised when she got a sly smirk and a gesture to go ahead. It seemed Jasmine was the only one suspicious because the squip didn't seem to sense it at all. She left the house and at her squip's instruction, took her car and began to drive to the play. It seemed with each mile passing by, a feeling of hope bubbled in her stomach.

Something was going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The finale is nearing! :DD
> 
> Sorry if it's bad, I just needed to post SOMETHING for this train-wreck of a story.


	29. Places for scene two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The play

The play wasn’t completely horrible. If you look past Chloe’s stiff acting and a few cheap stage props, it was okay for a school play. The plot was interesting, although it made a mockery of Shakespeare. Jasmine sat in the back of the room in a small booth, surrounded by “The Connor Project” tshirts, pins, and even cookies with Connor’s face on it. She picked up a cookie wrapped in plastic wrap, staring into Cookie Connor’s beady chocolate-chip eyes. She looked up at the students on stage as she unwrapped the cookie, mouth watering at the thought of sinking her teeth into Cookie Connor’s face when a shock surged through her body, her vision flooded white and instead of biting into the pastry somehow still warm from Alana’s oven, her teeth sunk into her bottom lip and instead of tasting chocolate, Jasmine tasted blood.

“Augh, fu-” Her mouth snapped shut seemingly on its own accord, muffling her cry of pain. Jasmine was growing more and more annoyed at the parasite she had willingly allowed to not only take over her body, but her life as well. 

She watched the Squip step out of the shadows making a mockery of the boy Jasmine has coveted since childhood. It flashed her a sardonic grin that simply looked out of place on Evan’s face, but it nonetheless made her heart flutter as if Evan himself was the one smiling at her.

She hated how some fucking robotic tic-tac could turn her into some blushing anime schoolgirl just by pretending to be Evan Hansen. Jasmine wished she could change the settings on it, but when she had originally tried the Squip informed her that it wouldn’t be a wise idea as his new model was tailored to become the person you want to be, or someone you’d listen to. 

As much as she didn’t want to admit it, the Squip’s coding worked. Jasmine couldn’t say no to Evan. It sent her into a small panic when it would show anger towards her and she wanted to do all she could do to keep it happy.  
Fuck, what had she gotten herself into?

The lights blinked, t was intermission. The room was filled with sound at once, parents milling around humble-bragging about how their child got the main part, or how their child made the props. It wasn’t long until Evan sat next to him looking sullen, his face shadowed by the grey hood he was wearing. 

“Say Hello like you’re happy to see him, but not too happy.”

“I think that contradicts-” A white-hot flash of pain surged through her arm quickly, leaving her arm tingling as if it had fallen asleep. She grit her teeth and apologized silently before turning to Evan to speak.

“Hi!” Her voice cracked and in that moment Jasmine wished that the Earth would swallow her whole. Evan looked at her through the corner of his eye, his face strangely grumpy and nearly unrecognizable. 

He hesitated before rolling his eyes and glaring back at the empty stage. 

“His squip is an old model, I can’t sync with it.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“Evan would have responded positively if it weren’t for the Squip’s instruction. I’m… Unable to sync up with any Squip in the room right now. It’s concerning, to say the least.” The squip hovered in front of her, rubbing his chin in thought, “deep breath, Jasmine, I can assure you the likelihood of something unfavorable happening low.”

Jasmine slowly nodded and stared blankly ahead. She blinked and suddenly Michael appeared in front of her. 

“Optic nerve blocking. I’ll explain it later. Act aloof.”

“How can I help you, sir?” Jasmine sighed.

“Hey, Jared. I figured I should donate to the cause and get some of those chocolate-chip cookies everyone’s been talking about.”

“Jasmine,” Jasmine snapped, “and here you go.” She handed him a Connor Cookie in exchange for his money. “Thank you for donating to the Connor Project, this will go towards reopening the Apple Orchard and helping those in need.” 

Michael just stared down at Jasmine and sighed.

“Yep. Thanks. Talk to you later, Jared.” He sauntered off, headphone cord waving majestically in the breeze. Jasmine felt a bit of pity, her gut curling and churning. He must be so alone without Jeremy and- ZZt

At this point, the pain was so common for Jasmine that she could ignore the red hot flashes and how lines of skin throbbed and burned like fire afterwards. The Squip hissed at her to stop thinking about it, so she did; pushing all thoughts of the uncool out of her brain. 

“Hey,” Evan nudged her, “one of us has to bring food to the guys backstage. You do it.” 

“Why me?” Jasmine retorted.

“Because I don’t want to.” He snorted, rolling his ocean blue eyes. Jasmine winced at the sight. Again, it was super out of place and out of character for the normally kind-hearted boy. With a sigh, Jasmine gave in and stood, grabbing a big box of Connor Chip Cookies and began walking towards the stage, elbowing past parents and teenagers as she climbed up the stairs to the stage where people in ridiculous costumes crowded about, their eyes wide with a mixture of stress and adrenaline from their stunt on the stage. He saw Jeremy now standing near the punch bowl with the drama teacher and they seemed to be arguing. 

“Who wants cookies?” Jasmine exclaimed. In a moment, she was overtaken by actors hungrily pawing through the cardboard box for their own snack. Being on stage must be exhausting, she realized, it must be fun too, judging about how giddy and overemotional each of them were. Jasmine would love to go on stage someday.

The lights flickered again and the curtains rose as people seated themselves. Jasmine stepped back, waiting for the actors to go to their role on stage, but hesitated when instead, Jeremy and Mr. Reyes stumbled back, yelling at one another. The audience watched in silence, along with the confused actors passing around a beaker of Mountain Dew.

“Oh, no-” Squip-Evan began to glitch out and Jasmine’s head began to throb violently. She stumbled to her knees, her thoughts becoming less and less organized. She looked around to see others doing the same, holding their heads and freaking out from the pain. “The whole cast is squipped!” 

The stage lights flickered, the students were painting in a dizzying array of colors before the pain stopped completely and Jasmine could feel everything at once. She could think another person’s thoughts and feel their deepest desires wash away with the power of the Squip.

A voice cut through all the panic. 

“Michael makes an entrance!” His voice rang out through the theater loud and clear. Jasmine looked up at him and all that she could think about was following the instructions of the Squip. The hivemind commanded her to attack the traitors.  
“-even brought my own refreshments!” Michael held a large bottle of the cursed mountain dew red over his head, a wide beam stretching over his face. At that, the voices went insane and they all instinctively knew that they had to destroy it. 

Jeremy’s squip told him to attack Michael with insane ninja-fighting moves, swiping at him with no mercy. Michael dodged and ducked with the same impressive speed and they argued back and forth.

Jeremy broke away, eyes filling with tears as he exclaimed. “My squip! It’s taking over my body!” Michael tried holding Jeremy down, but wasn’t strong enough so he looked at the jock of the crew on stage.

“Jake! This is gonna sound weird, but if I hold Jeremy down… Will you make him drink this mountain dew red?”

“Weird?” Jake trailed off, “that doesn’t sound weird at all!” He began to wobble forward on his crutches, but suddenly stopped as his eyes lit up a bright green as the Squip gave him instructions.

Destroy the Dew.

A unnatural grin spread over Jake’s face as he suddenly threw his crutches to the ground, bending his knees and cracking the bright blue casts off his legs. 

“Doesn’t that hurt?” Jeremy asked, eyes bulging in surprise. 

Jake laughed, “probably, but the Squip is blocking out the pain! It’s awesome!” They all got the command to destroy the dew and Jake cackled as he poured the bottle on the floors, discarding the red soda bottle on the stage floor. It rolled away, past Jasmine’s feet.

Everything about Squips is so wonderful.

Brooke and Chloe hooked arms as they walked up to Jeremy and Michael, giggling evilly as if they were the twins from The Shining. They taunted Jeremy for a bit before pretty much reevaluating their life choices and confessing to each other that they were jealous of the other.

Cute.

Jeremy and Michael ducked through the crowds of Squip-controlled teens (Jasmine included) to grab the almost empty bottle of mountain dew red.

The crowd parted to reveal the boss: Jenna Rolan. She smiled, her face glowing a unnatural pink as she smiled wickedly, holding her hands up as if she were commanding the hivemind of Squips to attack.

“I know what you’re doing, Michael! I know what EVERYONE IS DOING ALL THE TIME!” 

“I feel so connected to you all right now!” They all said in unison. 

Jasmine reached out for Jeremy, to stop him from drinking the Mountain Dew Red. “Don’t do it, Jeremy!” Jasmine shouted. Jeremy stared at him, incredibious. “If you do that, you’ll never be with her!” With that, Christine stepped from the crowd, surprisingly radiant in her stage makeup and her eyes flashed cyan. 

“Jeremy! Did you see me? The audience loved me!” She fluttered her lashed at them, “and it’s all because of you! You’ve made me a better person and showed me that I need someone to tell me what to do!” 

“You’re not Christine.” Jeremy murmured. Christine continued on, her eyes filling with happy tears, they fell down her face, glittering like stars. 

“I love you, Jeremy.” She wrapped her hands around him, gently pulling him into a kiss. Jeremy hesitated, clearly conflicted. He turned to look at the Squiped kids, and then Michael.

“Christine… I- Can you drink this?” He pressed the lip of the bottle against her lips and poured the rest of the soda into her mouth. 

“No-!” She swallowed, her eyes igniting a bright cyan before she crumpled to the ground, a scream ripped from her throat loud enough that it tightened the pressure in her head tight enough that even Jasmine screamed in pain. All the squipped kids fell to the floor clutching their heads. Michael backed into the corner; clearly terrified, and let out a scream as well.

The last thing Jasmine remembered was everyone suddenly going silent before she crumpled to the ground.


	30. The beginning of the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared lets go of his feelings. He's not alright, but is somehow ready to admit that.

Jasmine woke up and felt like he had a hangover and was hit with a sledgehammer a few times. Excellent. This was just great. He silently called out to the Squip, begging it to get rid of the headache but it didn’t respond. It didn’t even appear, or shock her, or anything.

Weird.

She cracked open her eyes and looked around the room, expecting to see her cluttered room, but instead found herself in a sterile hospital room, with an iv in her arm and light shining through a large window. Jasmine scowled, rubbing her eyes with her free hand, as her other hand was being held by her mom who snoozed on a tiny plastic chair next to her.

She turned her head too fast, pain shooting down her entire body. This startled her mom awake, shooting up to see that Jasmine is awake once again. Her mother smiled, tears forming in the corner of her eyes as she hugged her with surprising strength.

“Ow, ow, ow-!”

“I have NEVER been so mad at you!” She held her out at arms length, “I love you so much, Jared!” She began to kiss her on the face, getting lipstick all over her. She flushed a bright red.

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Jasmine flushed, “a-and it’s Jasmine, right?” She said to the squip, bracing herself for an electric shock. None came. The squip didn’t even respond to her. Her mom smiled sadly, toying with the edge of the frayed hospital blanket. 

“Honey, if you- if you want to detransition, I will support you. But I’m your mother and I could always tell you were… Transgender, y’know? I remember being so horrible to you and I-” Her voice cracked and tears began to freely fall. Jasmine hesitated. 

She didn’t want her mom to cry. “Mom, it’s okay, really. Don’t cry.”

“It’s not alright, Jared. It’s not. I just- I know you forgive me, and even if you don’t… I don’t either. But time will heal. I might not know too much about what it means to be transgender, but I’ll try to support you.” 

Jasmine didn’t know what to say. She’d-He’d explain himself, but how could he without talking about the supercomputer that controlled him and forced him to do horrible things like cut off his friends, be rude to one of the only people who loved him, and made him non ironically use the “laughing-face” emoji. 

“I just- I wanted to be normal for once. I- I’m not Jasmine.” He was going to cry if he kept talking, “I’m not, I’m really not. My fucking HEAD hurts, I’m miserable, and I want to be Jared. I do, mom, I’m just so fucking scared to be this mess that I am.”

There was a silence between the two, both of them unsure what to say next. He was once again smothered in a hug almost hard enough to break his bones. Now both of them were crying and covered in snot. They’re both two messes, it seemed. 

Oh boy, he’s a momma’s boy. 

There was a knock at the door and a nurse with kind eyes leaned in, smiling at the hugging parent-child couple. 

“I hate to break this up, but I need you to fill out some paperwork Mrs. Kleinman so we can release your daughter as soon as possible.” Mrs. Kleinman stood and smiled at her son before correcting the nurse.

“My son.” 

“Oh, I’m very sorry! Well, your son should be good to be released once you come with me and-” They walked out of the room together, leaving the boy in an eerie silence. No voice in his head, no sounds except for his shaky breathing. He was alone again, no one to talk to. Even though the Evan-squip was… Bad, it was something, right? 

“J-Jasmine?” A familiar voice echoed throughout the room. Jared froze, a ripple of cold fear trailing down his spine and his electricity scars seemed to tingle. The squip was going to punish Jared for thinking he’s Jared, the shock is coming- “Jasmine, is that you?” The curtain moved and Evan’s head poked out, wincing as his head throbbed.

He stared at Evan, expecting it to insult him, to call him ugly and fat and worthless and… Anger coursed through his veins. He would not have ever gotten the same tic-tac of doom if it weren’t for Evan. He had obsessed over Evan, wanting him to look at him the way Jared looked at him. 

He clenched his fists and sat up suddenly, ignoring the pain in his head as tears rolled down his cheeks. In that moment his blood felt as if it were boiling hot, ignited by a single match of anger. Jared trembled and his skin felt uncomfortably tight.

“You… You… You did this!” Jared hissed, clenching his jaw so tight that he feared that his teeth would shatter. “You and your Connor Project BULLSHIT! I wouldn’t BE IN THIS FUCKING HOSPITAL IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU!” Jared was yelling now, thankful that the hospital rooms must be somewhat sound-proof, “I fucking hate this. I fucking hate- I hate- I hate…” He could never hate Evan.

Jared exhaled deeply, still trembling slightly. “Just… Just don’t talk to me! Don’t bring up the Connor Project to me! I-I quit. Fuck your lies.”

Evan was angry too, but much less than Jared was. “My lies? You were the one HELPING me pretend to be the kid to killed himself!” 

“FUCK YOU, EVAN.” Jared threw himself out of bed, ripping the god-damn iv from his arm and rummaging through the backpack his mom had packed for him, filled with his clothes. After throwing them on, he stormed out in the hallway to see a very surprised mom and nurse.

“Jared, honey, are you alright?” 

“I’m just ready to get the fuck out of here, to be honest.” 

And they left.


	31. Conflicts Don't Always Pass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good things happen, bad things do. Jared tries to take them in stride, even if he makes bad decisions. 
> 
> Thank god he has friends for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if these chapters seemed rushed! I've been very, very, very depressed if I'm honest and I haven't been able to write. Honestly, I just want to finish this story and get onto the sequel.

Jared walked down the hallways with his gown and cap, his eyes brimming with tears as he passed lower classmen who were herded out by their teachers and instructed to clap for the graduates. He passed by faces he recognized. Jeremy and Christine stood side-by-side, huge smiles on their faces as they nodded at him. Michael stood by them, looking slightly conflicted, Jealousy and joy fought for dominance on his face as he both glared at Jeremy and Christine and cheered for Jared.

“GO JARED!” Boomed Rich, who threw his arm around Jake. Rich winced, running his free hand over still tender flesh and the vivid burn scars littering his body. Jake grinned from his wheelchair, happily clapping for Jared. The squip forcing him to stand had only damaged his legs further and he will likely have chronic pain for the rest of his life. Jake said he might not be able to play all of his sports anymore, but he’s happy that he can at least do archery and drama.

Brooke and Chloe held hands as they watched him pass by. They smiled at him warmly, and Chloe laid her head on Brooke’s shoulder warmly. They weren’t doing labels, but were experimenting with each other. Jared was proud of his blossoming gay “children” and wished them the best in their romantic endeavors.

After doing a full lap around the school, they all gathered in the gym for a celebration completely with a totally out of touch DJ playing all the hits… From twenty years ago. Soon, the underclassmen were allowed to join and Jared formed a group with his friends, laughing at Jeremy’s attempt at dancing and at how repulsed Michael was at the pop music. Brooke turned bright red when Chloe twerked to a song with a particularly nice beat and they had fun.

It felt good to have support for once, really. His mom let all his friends over when his dad was on business trips, saying that even though she supports “all these gay vibes” he will not tolerate it. His friends all did a pity laugh and thanked his mom for being supportive of their sleepovers, which were usually filled with all the “gay vibes.” Especially the time they camped outside in the backyard in a tiny tent. It started a saying in the group “what happens in the tent stays in the tent.”

Jared sat at the table holding a letter. He was shaking really as everyone waited for him to open it. It had a fancy seal on it from a college, his dream college, and it held his future inside. Jared nervously ripped it open, breaking the seal and pulling out the letter inside. He read it, mumbling the words under his breath.

“-And after reading your application, we are proud to accept you, Jared Kleinman, to our college with full scholarship due to your collaboration with a wonderful organization called “The Connor Project.”’

His breath caught in his throat and tears once again filled with eyes. The silence in the room was deafening, all of his friends looking grim at the sight of his tears.

“Did you…?” Jeremy implored, leaning in.

Jared cleared his throat and looked up at them, a laugh escaping his mouth. “I GOT IN, FUCKERS!” The room turned to chaos as they all cheered and flailed around excitedly, even his mom cracked open a nice bottle of champagne, saying that she would “not supervise” the group of teens and if they “accidentally” drink some of it, she wouldn’t tell.

Rich poured them glasses and they all clinked it together, toasting to free college with no college debt, and to each other. They all leaned back to chug it, but was stopped by Chloe.  
“Guys! This is supposed to be tasted slwoly, savored! It’s fancy!” Chloe exclaimed, everyone paused mid-chug, unsure what to say next. “No, I’m fucking with you guys! Drink up!” They all cheered once again and went back to partying.

They moved to the livingroom and split off into groups. Jake, Jeremy, Chloe, and Brooke all gathered around and played truth or truth. Rich and Michael crowded around his stereo and argued over what type of music to play (Reggae v.s. Dance music) and Rich eventually won, turning on some shit by Lady Gaga Jared would never admit liking.

Eventually they all sat in a circle, the game of truth or truth faded and they all just talked freely. Jared was asked questions about College, his major, his plans for dorm-life, his family…

The room was silenced as someone burst in. Jared looked up and his gut instantly dropped.

“Now, what’s going on here?” Jared’s dad sneered, “a party? Why even celebrate something as useless as going to college for Fine Arts? You’re so fucking stupid sometimes, Jasmine. I didn’t raise you to become some kind of low-life bum.”

Silence.

“And look at your friends. You could be hanging out with established kids from our country club, get some powerful connections, but you decide that you’re better off hanging out with some stupid dropouts and those that I KNOW have almost been charged with ARSON.”

Jared could imagine himself standing up for his friends, telling his dad off and he would leave and never come back, but Jared was frozen in place. His dad has bitched about his choice in friends before, but how did he know about the party?

“Oh, and look, there’s a few young men in your group that I bet would be willing to date you if you didn’t dress like a boy! I don’t want you to grow up and be some butch lesbian!” Jared could see Michael turn bright red in the field of vision and Jeremy was sweating and panting. None of them knew what to do or to say.

“Leave him alone.” Rich mumbled, clenching his fists, “Jare-Uh, THEY can’t date us be-because we’re… Uh… Not interested because-” Rich searched the group for something to say, anything to say but they all froze.

“Fuck it.” Jake sighed before reaching out and grabbing Rich by the collar, pulling him into a clumsy kiss on the cheek. Silence.

Even his dad didn’t know what to say, “get out of my house.” He began quietly, his voice picking up noise as he spoke, “That’s DISGUSTING and I will not tolerate any of that faggot-shit in my house!” They all looked at Jared, who was about to explode with anger.

“Guys, I’m sorry, just leave. I’ll text you later.” Jared shook his head. They all stood and left hesitantly, murmuring to one another as they left and walked down the street to Rich’s house - which was guaranteed to be empty.

Jared stood and began to walk away, blinking away tears threatening to fall. His arm was roughly grabbed and he was yanked back by a snarling dad.

“You do not get to just walk away from this conversation, Jasmine!” He barked, “I have NEVER been so DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. You surrounded yourself with these- these lowlives and reject a job at my office as a secretary! You are shaming the Kleinman name, young lady!”  
Jared yanked his arm from his grip, trying to look impassive despite the tears in his eyes. “You don’t touch me. I’m- I’m not a fucking kid anymore, alright! This is MY life and I can do WHATEVER I want with it, you FUCKING BI-” He was cut off with a sharp slap, his head jerked to the side.

Jared quivered as he looked up at his father, who retracted his hand. “Jasmine, honey, I didn’t- I-...” He reached out for Jared, who startled back quickly, nearly hyperventilating.

“You hit.. I… You…” He shuddered, “don’t touch me. Just leave me the fuck alone.”

“Wait, Jasmine, please… Don’t tell your mother. She’ll divorce me, it’ll ruin both of our lives. You know this, I know this, You can’t tell her. It’ll be selfish of you.”

Jared left to his room with no words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This is not the last chapter, though, so don't fret! This will also NOT be my last series in the Be More Chill/Dear Evan Hansen fandom. I simply lost my fire to write and I have recently regained it, even though it's extremely difficult at times. 
> 
> To all writers who have been in my situation, I suggest taking time off but still trying your hardest to at least write something. I didn't do it and I hate that I didn't because now I feel rusty and it's hard to remember how to spell things or do basic grammar. Just write anything, even if it's like "Most dogs play fetch at sunrise" just write anything.


	32. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quick preview into the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) <3

“Yes, mom, I’m here safe and sound. I found my dorm room fine.” Jared paced the shoe-box sized room on the phone with his mom, “No, my roommate isn’t here yet, but they should be soon.” He sat down on the bed. “Yeah, I know, I’ll miss you too.” The door slowly opened and Jared said goodbye to his mom hastily, even made “kissy” noises in response and waited for his roommate to walk in, even though they seemed to hesitate nervously outside of the door.

"Yo, buddy, come on in! I don't bite! I only have a few ground rules, like remember to put a sock on the door if you're getting busy with someo-" Jared looked up from the embarrassing text messages from his mom on his phone to see a few familiar person standing in the doorway, eyes wide like a deer in headlights. Jared's breath hitched as he looked the man up and down.

Evan Hansen stood before him, looking the same except much more adult, his voice was deeper, his limbs less gangly, and he wore a much less dorky outfit. Neither of the men knew what to say in this moment so they just stared at each other like brain-dead goldfish. 

Awkward!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter, but definitely not the last of me! I shall start writing the sequel now!
> 
> But seriously, I thank all of you for sticking through. This fanfiction is what made me realize I was transgender, it made me laugh, made me cry, I both loved and dreaded writing it, yet my reaction to kind comments always stayed the same. You all stuck around even if my grammar was bad, or my writing was inconsistent. 
> 
> My tribute to this fanfiction and the character himself is my new name. I called myself Jared due to connecting with Jared Kleinman. I went from an awkward Abbigail to a slightly less awkward Jared in the time I wrote this fic. It's my longest and most popular fic and it's a tribute to my teenage-hood. Really, I thank you all a lot!
> 
> I'm starting on the sequel and I will update this with a link to it once the first chapter is out. I want to take a small break to work on my other fics right now, like my Hamilton one and my other Be More Chill fic. Check them out if you're interested. :) <3 Jared


End file.
